Author: Grace Yin

Somebody you used to know.

piece of cake

惊蛰

A cake my mom and I made last year. It purposefully looks the way it does.

I just ate a slice of frozen cheesecake that I’ve been slowly savouring for the past… few months. I was also thinking about metaphors and figures of speech, so I thought the title would work well. Maybe. I don’t know. Then I had to search for a suitable picture, and conveniently I had a bunch of unedited pictures I took with my DSLR during last year’s extended summer at home on my desktop, so I quickly slapped some adjustments and colour filters on and here we have it! A post!

Let’s see… I’ve done a considerable amount of school work (work in general, I guess) since last time, so I could start by talking about them a bit. I received a mark for one of them already, and it wasn’t … too good … but it was above average! Slightly! So I didn’t feel too bad. The other one I don’t know (if it’s any good) the mark, but it took a lot of work. I probably shouldn’t have done it all one day, but I did, and here it is: a story about baby hands. It’s based off of one of those thoughts I’ve always had running around my mind since high school (“my hands are small and can only hold so much”) (aka can’t hold anything) centred around my feelings of inadequacy. I remember always feeling like I wasn’t very good, just being myself. I felt like I was a terrible older sister, a bad student compared to my friends, a bad friend, a failure at being a Girl, an uninteresting person, and so on. As a teenager, those things were my entire world. I had no identity aside from the roles I was playing in others’ lives, and I was extremely passive. Again… I’m glad I chose to try being independent. I ended up being comfortable with how I wasn’t going to be a certain thing, or become the archetype. I was just going to make myself content, no matter how wonky I am, and when needed, offer my wonky little advice. I mean, I still have those Feelings of Inadequacy, but I get the vibe they’re always going to be here. A more than healthy dose of humility, in a way.

I’ve got a lot of work to do next week if I don’t want to cram again, so there’s not much else to report. Not exciting. I signed up for summer classes on Monday. They’re all online and at night, so I could go home, but I know it’s hard to focus at home. There’s a lot more distractions (like playing games with my brother and watching dramas with my sister and eating a lot and just… anything but work), and I’ll be too comfortable, but… well… anyway. I’ll think about it. I’m always thinking about it.

From a bus on Monday. Venturing out to pick up a package.

I find that my productivity and mood really varies from week to week. An irregular not-so-circular cycle of feeling like a pile of goop (man-soup) and a regular functioning person… I’m really not sure why, but I’m going to try to take advantage of this burst of Liveliness (or as lively as I’ll ever be). Anyway, I did my laundry today so my room smells all nice, and also it’s quite late so I’ll be off to sleep. Hard to believe it’s already March again.

again, it is snowing

雨水

Milk tea…

There was a snowfall warning for this week, and it’s been falling pretty readily this whole week. For once, I’m able to admire it without having to worry about journeying through it to class. It’s very bright out as a result, and the whiteness reflects endlessly in my room. That’s probably not… optically correct, but it sure is blindingly white outside. I can barely look out my windows. I guess that’s it for an introduction to the post. Like last year, I am once again halfway through reading break. I can safely say that I’ve been even less productive this year, but I also care a little less… I just want to get this semester done with. Get this whole degree done with, to be honest. School is an exhausting thing and I wish it wasn’t so necessary.

Anyway, today’s recommendation is a very fresh one. I ordered a milk tea just now and chose kanten jelly as a topping (I know why it’s called a “topping”, but since it usually sinks to the bottom, shouldn’t it be called a… actually, never mind.). It’s very nice. I like the texture. For some inexplicable reason, the bounciness reminds me of a nameless emotion, but it’s an emotion adjacent to joy. Normally I get grass jelly as a topping because 1) it’s soft, 2) it was a sort of nickname in high school, so it has a bit of a bittersweet tinge to it…, and 3) tastes good, but some places aren’t very generous with the amount of jelly. I’m not that picky but I would like to get my 70 cents worth, you know?

Something else I’d like to recommend is a whiteboard wall sticker! I bought a roll of whiteboard material, which you can cut and stick onto a clean section of wall. It’s great fun: I cut one piece to use as a weekly planner, and it’s placed somewhere with high visibility in my room; and another one I cut smaller and placed behind me so I can turn around like some kind of … detective? and write down any thoughts or idea for projects. Obviously these aren’t advertisements, just a good-spirited recommendation. I like whiteboards, they remind me of elementary school. The weekly calendar especially reminds me of the Shape of the Day from primary grades.

I have interesting printing so it’s probably for the better that you can’t read it.

One more recommendation, since I like groups of 3: this song. No particular reason, I just like it. I would link a playlist I made but I think they’re just a tad bit too specific for anyone other than Gloria to Get. But who knows, maybe someday I’ll link one and it’ll be relatable enough… or something.

Let’s see… no real profound thoughts recently. I’ve just been physically chilling and mentally stuck in a rut. I have a lot of projects due next week, as well as a midterm, but I’ve been putting it all off. I don’t know where to start, despite having many scattered pieces and ideas all around my brain and my room… these ellipses are just further evidence that I have no idea what I’m doing. Being lost is also tiring. But anyway, I think that’s it for today. Hopefully next post I’ll still be functional.

Until then.

it continues! + new things

立春。

I went to Chinatown today to get some groceries. I was a little distracted by all the snacks and Chinese New Year specials, but I managed to control myself and only get what I needed. I did buy some instant coffee, though, but that was for purely sentimental reasons. It was the red Nescafe tubes, which is what my grandma had in her home (for one of my uncles), and I ended up drinking them every time I visited because she would make me regardless. Anyway, it was pretty cold today. I wore a soft, thick grey knit sweater my parents bought me when we visited my maternal grandparents in San Francisco in 2016 at Uniqlo; as well as a scarf I bought myself not too long ago. As a result I was pretty warm… the only thing I was missing was gloves, which are pretty hard to buy because I have remarkably small hands. My last pair of gloves were children’s gloves, but those often tend not to be very fashionable. Or even just minimalist, actually. I would just like a pair of black gloves that didn’t attract lint or snag on velcro, while also being waterproof and fit my hands.

Then I got home and cleaned, answered some messages, talked to my roommates briefly, thought about buying a Roomba, and remembered I have homework due tomorrow. So I decided to procrastinate by writing.

This is from last year’s 立春 post.

As usual, my predictions were pretty spot-on. Congratulations! I don’t think there’s been any drastic change personally to me or my life, so it makes sense. Around the end of 2020, though, I was thinking that maybe I should be a little more ambitious and have some more Segments in these posts so I would have something to say instead of what is essentially small-talk with myself. I listed a few things in a document, like Silly Advice, or Random Recommendations, or maybe a sampler for some of the longer posts I’ve been ruminating for the past while. I guess it’ll be up to me on that particular day: originally I was thinking of including all of the above, but I think that maybe Too Much. Again, I don’t know how I’ll be feeling in a few weeks from now, so it’ll all be very 随意… like it always is with me.

I’ll start by just mentioning what I’ve been up to recently, I suppose, in terms of media consumption. My sister and I watched 白夜追凶 at the end of December, and it was a lot of fun. It had been a while since I actually enjoyed watching something, and it also helped that I find men around the age of 40 to be cute (so it was more fun). We went into the show knowing that there wouldn’t be a second season anymore, so we thought Well We Might As Well Watch It Now, except now we are sad that there is no second season. Anyway, then I developed a crush on the main actor and watched the other 鬼吹灯 web-series (as mentioned in the last post), and most recently, I watched 局中人. I had very low expectations for that last one, but… it was better than I expected. I’ve been thinking about writing more in-depth about that drama because there’s a Lot to unpack, but I think I’ll have to do some research and planning first. (It’s 49 episodes, which in my opinion is Too Many episodes, but I finished in less than a week, partly because I spent 10h of one day just watching… My classes were my breaks from the show, instead of the other way around…) Also, I have some stupid thoughts and screenshots on my twitter.

That’s about it for today’s post! At some point I’ll also compile the advice and recs from last year (maybe in the next post, or whenever I end up empty-handed), so that’ll be something. It’s also Chinese New Year soon, which is cool. It’s the year of the Ox, which is also what my parents are. Hehe. It’s time to send them a lot of cow-related trinkets.

Until then!

 

大寒

Major cold.

a sunrise from some time ago

Also, it’s the 腊八 festival, which I don’t really know about either. Pretty much all festivals and more important terms are excuses to have big dinners and eat well, which is nice when you’re with family. …which I’m not, but that’s okay. This is the last solar term of 2020! How time passes! Not sure how I got here, to this point, but to be honest, I’m feeling pretty much the same as I did when I wrote the first one. Sleep-deprived, tired in all ways, not really paying too much attention to class, and surrounded by cold snow.

So school has started, and I’ve been having some amount of difficulty settling into a routine. I managed to catch a cold (or maybe just break something in my body) earlier this week, so I’m suffering the consequences now. In the realm of introspection, I’ve also been trying to work through some things, while also trying to balance out other things, and there’s just a lot of things. I feel a bit like a small planet that’s spinning really quickly but orbiting a larger star system in a much slower manner. I haven’t been able to sleep well recently either, and when I do, I have random weirdly vivid nonsensical dreams full of pictures that I note (in the dream) to remember for later so I can recreate them; or full of people that I see on my screen (some I know personally, some I know conceptually) everyday.

I don’t think I have anything else of substance to talk about. Since last post, I’ve watched 2 web-dramas in the 鬼吹灯 series. It was fun to watch, partially because I love history and action, and also partially because I like the main actor. I’m a simple man: if it looks interesting enough, and has enough actors I like, I’ll probably take a look. It was nice also because they were pretty short and I could finish them quickly if I really wanted to. Whenever my Chinese literacy goes up, I might read the original novels… but that’s probably going to take forever since I’m not really learning properly. Anyway, we’ll see. I still think it’s funny that about 2 years ago, I watched the first installment of the web-series for a different man… and now… I guess that really shows how simple I can be.

Also, since it’s the second week of classes, we’re getting right back into Things, and I’m reminded of how much I hate academia. Maybe someday I’ll write something about it (which seems kind of ironic), but for now, I’ll just look at my dark circles in the mirror and tell myself that it’s worth it. At the very least, I know now for certain I hate school.

That’s kind of a sad note to end the post, so I’ll try to think of something else… well, I’ve got nothing. I took 5 minutes away from the post to think but all I have is this playlist I made a while ago. Listen to it if you want. I’m off to nap.

小寒

Minor cold.

Class resumes in less than a week, and in the time in between I have been Not Sleeping Well, Not Eating Well, and generally not Faring Very Well. Reading the news from the relative safety of my bed (a soft, warm place) in a room in the back of an old house (somewhat stable, not owned by me) at 5pm is a kind of surreal experience nowadays. Am I reading fiction? What part of the last 12 months have felt like grounded reality to me? Of course, not much of my life as a whole has felt like reality. There were many times throughout my childhood that I felt as if everything was passing by too quickly, like I was on a train (which I’ve never been) going through the countryside and I was trying to count the cows or read the signs that we passed. There was never really a moment to pause and process anything, and maybe that’s what’s impeding upon my experience of existing.

Anyway, not much to talk about again. Still cold outside, a bit chaotic as usual, and full of anxiety about Everything. I’m dreading school, and I’m dreading having to dread things again, which is another big problem. When your biggest problems are yourself, you’d think it’d be easier. You’d also think that, having gone through some Shit at a younger age, I would be better equipped to deal with mental health issues, but unfortunately it’s quite the opposite. I’ve developed some pretty bad coping methods. I had a friend assume I’d be okay just because of that, which is laughable. It’s like when someone hurts their elbow and instead of seeing a doctor or anything, favours it and instead uses their shoulder and strains that instead. At some point they’re gonna have an entirely damaged arm, and then they can’t do anything anymore. It’s unsustainable. I’m unsustainable. (The metaphor was a reference, yes.)

Not much else to report. We’ll see how I feel when school starts. I really hope the 2nd semester is better but historically, no it won’t be. Again, I’d just love to pass my courses. Please and thank you.

2021

元旦快乐
Happy New Year!

I’m not quite sure how to start this one off, but we’re going in headfirst as usual. There’s never any plan or cohesive structure behind any of these posts, so it’s always fun to see where I end up by the final sentences. As per my own customs, we will begin by reviewing last year’s post: 2020.

I guess I was right about the “you never know what could happen”. Staying alive really did become an achievement this year, and I turned 20 successfully. That’s a plus. My usual pessimism turned out to be pretty accurate as a predictor, which is not great. I like this line: “Being busy is a lot better than being sad.” This is hilarious because I was not only busy but also sad. Except for the summer, of course: I don’t know if I was busy or sad. I was just floating. I think that’s a good descriptor for 2020 in general: just… going with the flow. 2019 felt like 5 years, but 2020 felt like just 2. Clearly, I have no grasp on time, but I hope you get what I’m saying.

Here’s last year’s reminder:

  • There’s a lot out there, and you’re not an outsider to it all.

I have no clue what I was talking about. Is this referring… to school? To Adult Society? I have no idea. I’m not really in the mood to try to analyze it, either (analyzing things reminds me too much of school), but I think it was more of an encouraging type of thing. I’ve always been pretty passive, usually observing and commenting quietly on things and trying to avoid getting too invested in anything. It’s a tactic that definitely is pretty safe, as far as self-preservation goes, but it can also be pretty boring… which is another thing I can’t stand. So I’m guessing I was just trying to get myself to care a little more about things. I think I did sort of end up doing that, I fought with some instructors and met new people and tried to be less cold, in a way. Not sure if it worked, but only time will tell.

Some people have also been listing their achievements from 2o20 to lift themselves up, but I probably can’t do that. I’m a depressing person and I’m not as keen as I used to be about reflecting constantly. It’s a circular thought pattern usually, especially since I live alone and I don’t really get a second opinion anymore to the things I think about.

Let’s keep this simple.

  • Continue going with the flow. Don’t be too quick to judge others even if they judge you first. Sometimes people are just like that. The only thing I know is myself, and I have faith in my (lack of proper) morals.

Also, I’ll try to call my parents more often and try to stay focused in class (which is harder than usual because I’m no longer physically in class and I don’t need to act cool. I’m kidding. Maybe.

Anyway, the solar term system seems to be working great, so it’ll be continuing. I’ll update the categories at some point next week, and maybe… there will be… some more Other Content. Who knows.

Until then.

冬至

Winter solstice.

a pretend sunset.

School is technically over, except I felt really burnt out so I got an extension and thus have not finished my work for that one class. I guess I’m kind of glad about it, because otherwise I’d be bored. I’ve been living in a timezone of my own for the past week or so, sleeping when my friends wake up and waking up a few hours later and then repeating this process. Does the sun rise? I never see it.

But I guess I’m not complaining so much as observing myself. Disassociation. Today’s winter solstice, which is associated with dumplings, so one of my housemates (who is Chinese) and I went out to get dumplings. They were very homemade and not as good as the ones my family makes, but I’ve been pretty spoiled by my parents food-wise. That’s good, of course, but also bad because now I am picky and also not into cooking. I am into desserts, though. Maybe I’ll just be the resident dessert maker and eater. Anyway, I had a beer and a few dumplings. After a stressful semester, even this was enough to make me feel alive again. That’s step one: eating properly and talking to people, taking walks, feeling the freezing cold wind, all that stuff that reminds me I am a person and not a personality plugged into the internet.

Anyway, I’ll probably get to trying to be better at taking care of myself once I’m actually with this absolutely cursed semester. I just want to sleep for 24 hours. I probably can’t do it, but the idea is so enticing. But for now, I’m going to take a shower and get back to writing.

things people about 20 years older than me should know

Here’s some more free-form thinking. This is not directed at any particular person, but instead a certain denomination of the people I interact with. To be fair, this could apply to not just people around my teachers or my parents’ ages, but also anyone who tends to think like a conventional adult.

Firstly, let’s start with my outlook on Things In General. You have to keep in mind that I’m only 20, but that’s also part of the fun. Wouldn’t you like to know what 20 year olds think about? I know basically nothing and yet I still have all this confidence in my own beliefs. What were you thinking about when you were 20? Did you think you knew what you were doing, and where you wanted to go next in your life, and what your plan for the upcoming five years would be? I don’t have a plan. I don’t have a goal in mind.

Whether this is a personality thing, or the result of certain experiences in childhood and the adolescent years, I usually prefer to live in the moment. The most planning I do is course selection and grocery shopping, and I feel like that’s just the way I like to do things for now. Maybe one day I’ll find a goal, or some other reason to continue living for, but as of now I’m pretty content just doing whatever makes me feel alright.


I didn’t really have a specific structure in mind when I decided to write this, so I’ll go full stream of consciousness. Next up is the topic called Where I am and How Did I Get Here. I am currently living on my own in downtown Toronto, attending university (online), and generally being very Alone. There are a multitude of answers that I give when people ask me why I chose to move from the Vancouver area to Toronto alone, but essentially I just wanted to leave home. I love my parents and I love my siblings, and I had casual friends at home, sure, but when I started grade 12, I kind of knew that things had to stop going the way they were, and the only way out of that was to leave.

I had a pretty average childhood, for the most part, up until grade 4. The short version of this story was that I was being treated badly by my teachers and some of my peers, and developed a nasty case of anxiety that never went away. I was a shy kid to begin with, so of course being bullied by my teachers didn’t help at all. I changed schools, but by that time there were only 2 years of elementary left so it was almost impossible to make friends. After that, high school was bad. Despite it being a regular public high school in Burnaby, it was competitive and toxic and full of incredibly unhealthy things. I wanted to make friends, and so became swept up into the whole thing. It was very bad for me. Throughout all of high school, I was always ready to die. I wasn’t planning on committing suicide, or actively seeking methods of self-harm, but I knew that if there was a way to just disappear and never come back, I would choose that option.

… and here I’d like to apologize to my parents. I’m thankful they’ve always provided for me, and I always had too much to eat, and I was given a lot of freedom unlike my peers. But just like any teenager, I kept them in the dark about a lot of things that happened to me. I didn’t consult them when making decisions, and I would hide my feelings and thoughts all the time. It led to some pretty bad arguments (mostly between my dad and I), and I know that I’m still like that now. I just don’t want anyone to have to worry about me. Unfortunately, that also meant they may not know me as well as I imagined.


Anyway, even at the end of high school, when I prepared to leave home, certain bad things happened. I’m a fairly prideful person, and it’s quite hard for me to tell my family that I was assaulted or scared. I imagine it’s hard for anyone to tell their family about that.

So I went to Toronto, and went to university, and learned about living alone. I miss my family a lot, but I also get some peace and quiet. I have more privacy, since I rent a room in a house. I can eat as little or as much as I want and not feel guilty (that’s just me and my Eldest Sibling responsibility). I can go outside whenever I want without worrying anyone. I can sleep whenever I want. Of course, during the pandemic, it’s extremely lonely, but then I think to myself: I’m lonely wherever I go, so what’s the difference?

My dad (and many others, actually) judged me really hard about wanting to move back for school during the pandemic. I know it may seem like a waste of money, but hear me out.

  1. I don’t have to wake up at 5am for classes if I live in Toronto. This is a very simple reason. I also sleep at 5am these days, so maybe it’s a stupid reason.
  2. I can’t concentrate on school work at home. This can be split into more specific reasons: a) I don’t have a desk at home, and all my school supplies were in Toronto. b) I love my siblings, but we only distract each other.
  3. I have extreme anxiety whenever we leave the house. I realized this in hindsight, but during the entire summer, every time I had to leave to even go grocery shopping, I had really bad stomachaches. At the time, I was thinking: hey, this is exactly the same as when I was 9 years old. This is anxiety, isn’t it. I’m guessing now that it’s because I associated my home city with the bad things I’ve experienced, and I was unconsciously afraid.
  4. Even though my parents are pretty relaxed, there’s still a feeling of pressure. There’s my responsibilities as the oldest, and household things, and my bickering with my dad… there’s many positives to living at home, but at times it can be confining.

Well, I’m here now. It does get lonely at times, but as I said earlier… I’ve always been lonely. I’m bad at making connections with people, and have developed a fear of being betrayed or taken advantage of. It’s a self-defense tactic. If you don’t let your guard down, they can’t hit you.

All things considered, I’m a somewhat functional normal person, and I enjoy privacy like any young adult. I like to take things slow, and not think too much about the future. I don’t have high ambitions or goals: I just want to live every day with no regrets, and a little bit of happiness if I can squeeze it in there. If I can make myself feel better, either right now or in the near future, then I’ll make the decisions that will lead me to that place of comfort.

I’ve spoken to some of my friends from high school (I really only have 2, since I drifted apart from the others), and noticed that they live a life that seems very structured. They strive to reach certain life milestones at certain ages, like finishing a bachelor’s degree, getting jobs, finding a partner, etc. I don’t know whether it’s ingrained in them to live according to certain standards, or they just only know the one way to live, but at the very least, I know that this sort of life is not for me. I don’t feel like I have to have achieved many things at a younger age in order to feel accomplished or successful, and I don’t want to be pressured into doing things that won’t benefit me. So that’s why I’m studying something kind of useless, while wasting my own money across the country from my family, eating lazy dinners and too many cookies.

If there’s anything I learned from between the ages of 6-18, it’s that I know what I don’t want. I know that I should be good enough to myself because no one else is obligated to care or ask about me. If I don’t do things that I feel good about (or feel deserving of), then what’s the point? I’m on this wretched earth anyway, so I might as well make the most of it.


Another thing: at school, in academic contexts, I find that instructors don’t always understand the current movement of self-care. It’s a hard life out here, as I’m sure they’re aware, and kids are becoming traumatized earlier and earlier as a result of the internet (a lawless place) and also the pandemic, probably. I mean, depression and anxiety rates among children are higher now, and whether that is because people take mental health more seriously now than even 15 years ago and testing more kids or truly testimony towards the fact that the world is indeed harsher… I’m not really sure. But the problem exists. Some people react to the unfairness of the world by fighting back and speaking up; others retreat and hibernate; and yet others do both, interspersed with a healthy dose of self-care. What’s wrong with drawing things for fun? What’s wrong with writing self-indulgent stories about fictional characters and reading dumb YA romance novels? Or playing Tetris for three straight hours until your vision gets blurry? So, in a roundabout way, what I’m trying to say here is that academia may not be for me. Or maybe this specific part of it. There’s enough suffering as it is, so I might as well find something I enjoy doing. But again, who knows. I’m a bit of a masochist, so maybe I’ll keep going to school.

I’m not really great at talking to adults. Or… I guess I should say older adults, adults with more experience being an adult. To be fair, I’m not great with talking to anyone really. I like to get personal and possibly overshare, and then keep talking about all sorts of stupid things. I have no idea if my friends humour me and pretend to listen or if they actually think I’m entertaining, but that doesn’t really matter too much in the long run if they stick around.

Alright, that’s all I’ve got for now. Maybe I’ll put up a part 2 later on, or maybe I’ll just talk about something else next time.

 

 

大雪

Heavy snow.

It’s the end of classes! I am actually three days late, but whatever. I had (and still have) a lot of final projects due, so hopefully understandably I have not been able to do much writing outside of an academic context. Have some pity for me, please. It’s not that school is significantly harder but it’s just been so tedious this semester. I sincerely doubt the next one will be any easier, but hopefully things will be more streamlined? Maybe the profs and instructors will actually know how to use technology to its potential. Please.

Anyway, I need to sleep. Probably won’t be able to catch up on it, but maybe get a start. I’ll be back soon: we’re also nearing the end of the solar terms, so I have to think of the Logical Next Step. Until then.

 

小雪

Minor snow.

screenshot of a video I took to show my family it was snowing here…

And it did snow, right on November 22nd. School is still absolutely terrible and stressful. The break was absolutely necessary for my mental well-being, but of course it went back to shit the moment it hit Sunday night. It’s very overwhelming. I’m very tired.

Anyway, whatever. That’s how school always is. I recently found an artist I really like, so here’s a song that really makes me laugh: a funny story. It reminds me of the past (which sounds kind of edgy and terrifying if I refer to it like that, but I’m too lazy to go into further detail). The past. Time really has no meaning nowadays. Sure, I’ve got deadlines, and grocery shopping days, and days where I can sit in front of my computer for fifteen hours straight of brain-death, but other than that, I don’t have a sense of what’s going on. It’s absolutely wild. I feel like an experimental subject who’s been given the absolute bare minimum social contact and then left alone in a cold room. I named the spider in my shower and was sad when it disappeared (I’m deathly afraid of spiders). I hover above the names of friends and old friends and think whether this is worth it.

I feel kinda sad that all my writing energy is being spent on stupid reading responses and discussion posts. There’s no discussion happening, no responses to my responses… it’s all just for a 2% mark. It really is pointless. Then there’s all those papers. I don’t enjoy writing those. I don’t know if I even enjoy writing anymore. I went through this phase for drawing too… I guess I just don’t like doing anything when I’m being forced to churn it out constantly. The quality is bad, the quantity is Too Much, and I’m losing the willpower to do anything. What do I like to do must? Do I have any hobbies? Not really, not anymore. On the weekends I’m too tired to even do my personal projects so I sit there and zone out really hard. Watch videos on Youtube of people discussing random topics and being cute; listen to music and talk to my sister mindlessly; eat a lot of cookies and think about a life I’ll never have; not sleep… etc.

These posts really are a roller-coaster ride to be honest. It started off kind of numb but vaguely optimistic. It seems that now we’ve gone full on disillusioned poor young person complaining about everything, but incoherently. The future looks grim, and all I ever do is look inward. I don’t know. I think everyday that I wake up is a thing that is amazing enough.

See you later.