some stuff about songs

Since I never really post with a topic in mind, I’ll just list some music I like this time! So, in no particular order…


[東風破 – 周杰倫]

I liked this in grade 7, mostly, and I actually don’t know why I did so much. To be fair, I was pretty into all of his stuff in elementary (this is nice, too) and before. Not so much anymore, but then again, everything changes.

[ブリキ – RADWIMPS]

Early high school, or something like that. Reminds me of sunlight and early spring. I also used this for my Inquiry last year, which is a little unfortunate to remember, but I still love it.

 [愛して愛して愛して – Kikuo]

And at this point I realize I don’t actually have reasons for why I like things, I simply just either do or do not. Also, that applies to me liking pretty much anything else. Or maybe I’m just perpetually confused. Anyway, this is more recent.

[How Can I Say(어떻게 말해) – Day6]

March! More feelings, or lack of, or whatever else I usually say to avoid the topic altogether.

[向著光亮那方 – 許魏洲]

Summery, living, growing things. Sentimental. It’s a movie song for a movie I haven’t watched.

[에라 모르겠다 – BIGBANG]

I think I organize memories in my head by dates, so this goes into last December. I think of flashy colours in the form of weeb mobile games, Christmas lights, candles, and colour-coded notes.

[一半 – 薛之謙]

September. I think I’m pretty terrible at this explaining thing.


Bonus:

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5]


I guess it’s pretty diverse! I’ll leave this post here to remind my future self of the things I used to listen to. Some of these I don’t listen to very much anymore, although really, I switch playlists every week. So this is just a sampling, I guess. Anyway, time to disappear for another month or so.

Until then!

vaguely tragic occurrence

When I look at this blog and notice that the last three posts are all holiday-related, I realize that maybe I have been slacking a bit. To be truthful there’s not much to update about, everything I’m doing is related to school anyway.

Yesterday, when the sky didn’t feel like pouring everything onto the ground. Everything that can fall from the sky had already fallen.

Spring Break in a week. Until then.

2017 resolutions

Quick post/comprehensible reiteration of basically every post I’ve made this year:

  1. Stop eating like 10 chocolates a day. 5 is ok.
  2. Don’t do regretful things in the middle of the week (aka not Tuesday-Thursday).
  3. Take better care of your physical form.
  4. …and mental form.
  5. Become more motivated.
  6. Make less excuses, stop attributing actions to some irrelevant cause.
  7. Be nice. 🙁

I’m not even sure if these are just… things I should do, or things I’m actually going to work for. Since I’ve written them down I suppose I’ll do it. Notice how there is nothing related to “opportunities” or “impulse” or even “mistakes” in here. Because despite it all, I’m still here and I’m still sugar-high.

Anyhow, school starts in… a day, so I’ll pretend not to procrastinate. Until then.

end of 2016

[bgm]

I remember what I was doing on December 31st, 2015. I spent the day having fun, but not the loud kind of fun my little brother has. Quietly. We watched a movie and I felt like even though I grew up a lot that year, I still had to mature a lot more. I thought that in order to become an adult, in a way, I had to suppress all negative thought. Or maybe just to be a good person, I had to become either positive or neutral. I didn’t want to cause problems or situations that would require additional attention. Especially after the latter half of 2015: I was entirely sure that I just had to move on and focus on my homework. It didn’t matter if I had friends or not.

Anyway, as the minute hand stuttered closer to 12, I remember whispering my resolutions to dead silence. I don’t know if they remember what I said, but it was probably along the lines of ‘just because something happened it doesn’t mean anything, it could just be a passing event’, which was the opposite of what I actually felt (not progressive). So, cognitive dissonance. Reaction formation?

[bgm]

Onto the deconstruction by month (aided by my many screencaps, although technically my diary would be more of use but it’s also farther away from me):

JAN: …continuation of mope from 2015, aka No I Did Not In Fact Get Over It, although I enjoyed staying late after school eating snacks bought with other people’s money. And Snapple on the 5pm-ish bus home!

FEB: Mostly bad memories, but also a good one: volunteering for a CNY event downtown. The rest of the month was insignificant. Some metaphor revolving around stalemates and games. Wow, I was so creative.

MAR: World War I. Oh, and also more arguments. The first half of 2016 basically was an extension of 2015 in terms of complete and utter angst and mope. Sounds about as fun as trench warfare.

APR: No comment, but hey, at least the weather got warmer! My brother turns 5, we go to Victoria, I continue being rejected and dejected and whatever other words there are to describe pathetic sadness. VCT, and Cheer Up.

MAY: Wherein we realize 2016 is not a roller-coaster, but instead just some contraption where one is dropped slowly but steadily into a volcano. Or hell, whichever’s worse.

JUN: I think things start becoming normal (I mean, I don’t know what normal is, but that’s probably the closest we ever got to a normal) around now. I turn 16! Cool. Also bought school supplies. Also, provincials are sad.

JUL: ALL I DID WAS GO TO SUMMER SCHOOL AND DO MATH AND WATCH TV SHOWS it was terribly boring and the third floor is extremely humid and disgusting in late July. Starts fanning myself with 100q packets of math.

AUG: By now we are not only submerged in lava, we realize the hole we’ve fallen into is caving in, and magma flows slowly into the pit. (…) JK I had fun (playing with fire. hahahhhahahha). I mean I don’t usually make smart choices, so.

SEP: School starts. No further comment necessary. Oh, right, I was also very mopey.

OCT: Actual bad things start happening, and then it all goes downhill, except we’re in a volcano, so I guess it’s an earthquake. Maybe it’s erupted.

NOV: Raining, more bad-awkward things, I start giving up (lol oxymoron), I actually can’t differentiate between the different kinds of bad from Oct-Nov.

DEC: Snow from the 4th on. It was snowing today, too. It was fun… for the first week. Then it became a Nuisance. At this point in time I have completely given up on trying or reforming or growing up. I guess it wasn’t too bad of a month. That’s pretty good.

[bgm]

So maybe next year I’ll go back to trying to not forcefully become something I’m not (or at least not yet), and maybe invest in A) some healthy coping strategies, B) some motivation, and C) more useful purchases (for example, not spending $48 on manga/magazines, and instead maybe buying clothes or something one can actually use). Also, not be so… submissive. Tolerant? That thing where you would rather go along with the other person because it’s easier. AKA take initiative! Except exhibit some more self-control, especially regarding chocolate/candy. I’m not as impulsive/irresponsible as it may seem. Most things I’ve thought over before. 🙂

I don’t think over-analyzing and reflecting too often is actually that fun or productive, so I’ll end this year here. I’m not very optimistic either, so I guess… just work hard and listen to music. Good stuff. Tomorrow’s going to be the same as today, anyway, regarding weather. So:

Until then!

2016 Christmas

Happy Holidays! And an icy Christmas. I almost slipped in like 3 different cities today.

Each year Christmas seems to be shorter, but then again, time is relative and I’m getting older so yeah. I used to think that was cool, the whole time thing, but then last year happened. I mean this year. 🙂

It’s okay, this year is still an okay year. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, which is pretty amazingly consistent. I got quite a bit of chocolate, so I’m relatively satisfied at the moment. My productivity level could be a lot higher, as usual, but it’s actually Christmas so maybe I’ll stop being guilty and end up being not-sad. Sounds unlikely, but you never know.

Time for Xmas dinner. I’ll update soon.

Until then.

IT CONTINUES

Look! It’s December. I’m kind of very sick, so this probably won’t be the most coherent post, but I usually make quite a few reflective ones at the end of the year anyway. Let’s start with a review of the resolutions (even though I sort of did that in the middle of the summer, but it’s been half a year), and then a review of the… reviews from 2015.

This is the post. I’m not sure what I meant by ambition, but I probably still don’t have any; nor have I found any motivation. Apparently my goals are unrealistic (and here I thought they were low enough. Anyway). Impulsive decisions are a part of my personality, but I think that may be linked to the next bullet point: in which case I’m definitely implying something. Either way, yes I was very impulsive, and yes I took advantage of nicely set up situations to do what I wanted to do (No, it’s not sketchy). Work effort and writing and style: also no, not really. Makes me wonder what I did do all year, aside from going against what I should do.

Reflection time! I actually haven’t been doing a lot of that, either. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Last year I did a lot. I was really mopey and dramatic. Pretentious. I was sad and lonely and relished in the angst-y winter atmosphere and wrote heart-breaking narratives. It’s embarrassing. Ever since September this year, I think all I’ve been is just… stressed to the point of regression (I don’t reference psych that much, just apparently enough to annoy people 🙁 ). Also, it snowed this year. A lot. Comparable to 2008. I played outside. And got sick. And was generally a very confused person. Just imagine a very small fish swimming in the ocean, flopping wildly as if needed air but since it’s fish it doesn’t. My talents include poorly constructed metaphors and falling asleep in places everywhere except my room.

If last year I seemed to have matured, then this year I reversed all of that progress. Which is unfortunate, but I’m very inconsistent as things are. Very vague. Gesticulates in the general direction of things that have happened this year, conveniently labelled in my head as THINGS WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT, or PTSD. Not to undermine anyone’s actual experience and traumas.

Onto to some more specific THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED, I both started and stopped counselling in 2016. I think the reason I started was to counter my anxiety problem. My counsellor suggested some coping methods, and I was supposed to talk about my feelings. Of course, if you know me, you would also know that I only share to people I’m close to, and not very often. I’m also not very eloquent, preferring instead to use expletives and very colloquial language. So she said I was bad at that, and she couldn’t help me, so I quit. Plus, the main reason teachers wanted me to go was to fix the whole not-talking/presenting thing. Since I’ve been making some progress, I guess it’s fine now. My coping methods are pretty unhealthy (at best) but I’m alive so there’s that.

Also, I just took some cold medicine and it says it may cause drowsiness, but frankly I don’t think I can be any sleepier than I already am. I’ll make an actual proper in-the-tradition post later this month, so:

Until then!

 

PRECEDENT

It’s been a while! I’ve been swamped with… not exactly work, but responsibilities and problem after problem. But it’s alright. I’ve been trying to get stuff sorted out.

Well, that’s the intention. Hopefully this year ends okay. I hope next year things will be different.

And now for the weather: It’s beginning to become really darn cold! My brother (who is 5)  says it will snow on Tuesday.

I think that’s all to report for now. Winter break is in 15 days! So: until then.

absence of stability

Or in other words, I am very disorganized. I was looking through my writing for the last hour or so and I have realized that most of what I have written recently (last year and a half) is really repetitive and mopey. They’re more like unsent letters, which is admittedly what I called them; or soliloquies. The time they’re usually written at is also representative of their quality, which is also quite embarrassing. As if the content itself wasn’t bad enough, the added factors of pain medication and other unholy items, the time of day, and my considerably turbulent moods really helped with the cringe level. Of course, I also did what I shouldn’t have done with these letters: AKA let them see the light of day AKA letting others read them. In other news, I’m never writing ever again.

Except for the fact that I have to write something for English next week, which is making me very apprehensive about everything. I really don’t trust personal narratives. It’s just an excuse to get me to write something sketchy.

I’m surprised with how I’m doing in my classes for the most part, though. It’s alright. The standstill feels like a pretense, however. Although I could just be paranoid. Stalemates are bad.

Anyway, hopefully things clear up a bit soon. Until then.

beginning notes

Instead of a mostly written post on how I’ve been doing, and stuff like school work, I’ll just include a couple of pictures.

Before it began to rain.
2016-09-10-19-39-46
When one will never be quite good enough for 86.
2016-09-15-19-59-18
I almost cried because I love new notebooks…

There are a lot of things I need to work on, so I’ll get on with that now. Until then.

 

half of a half

Back to school.

More hoping that I’ll put in consistent effort. See that emphasis? Hopefully be less impulsive, too. Maybe make some healthy habits, and maintain those. At least until winter break…

Until then.