Self-explanatory. I went back to school (it’s online, but here I am). Hopefully everything will slowly reset and I won’t feel like I’ve made a massive mistake. Maybe it’s something I just have to wait out, which sucks because I hate waiting and I hate time. Sure, it heals all, but can it just do it a little bit faster. Can we skip forwards again?
Anyway, just going to leave up as a landmark. Hopefully next time is better.
… I’m a little late this time, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. I’m pretty much all set for this coming semester in all ways except emotional. I’m always like this, though.
This summer is quickly coming to an end. It really has felt just like one super long week, with each day being largely the same as the ones before and after. It’s difficult to wrap my head around it, but not any different than how I usually struggle with the passage of time. What do you mean my siblings are all big now, and getting more articulate by the day? Where do I see myself in comparison to everyone else? How come I haven’t undergone any discernible change? You could say that it’s because I am me that I cannot find any sort of progress, but somehow I get the sense there’s nothing worth noting. I’ve always been observant, yet I’m also slow to take action. I tend to think (or overthink, according to others) things over and over until I come to a satisfying conclusion, then make a choice as to how I want to remedy the situation. It’s also hard to change a part of me that’s basically the basis of my personality. I’m very annoying and tend to go on tangents and lecture about things I find interesting while also admitting I’m full of nonsense. But if I hide that over-dramatic and obnoxious side, all you get is a super-washed out and boring version of me. It’s also the me most people know.
That doesn’t really matter either. I don’t think anyone really cares whether they’re seeing the real version of someone or not. It has nothing to do with how close you are, either. It’s more about how well you mesh, which is also why making friends gets harder and harder the older you get. When you’re kids, your lives would have been relatively short, with few defining events, and thus it’s more likely you’ll be able to get along with others. The older you are, the more experiences you have, and the harder it is to find things in common since there’s a much wider range. Technically, there’s no range since it’s infinite. Anyway, I guess the point is that I’ve found that some people I used to be friends with are now Completely Different from the person I’ve become, or at least are heading in vastly different directions.
Although I’m really just wandering aimlessly in one general direction, but that’s enough.
Anyway. I’ve been losing what little muscle I had before being stuck at home all the time, which is a bit of a problem. I really should do something about that.
It was pretty hot the last few weeks, so I guess it’s more like the Height of Summer. I don’t quite have a thought lined up for this post… hmm…
It’s almost time for school again, which I’m not looking forward to. Online classes aren’t great because I’m more likely to procrastinate. Plus, my courses aren’t even as much fun (or related to what I want to do, but I don’t have a choice). Taking a year off is also a risk, though. Not really sure what to do, but despite that, I still made a decision.
Recently I’ve also been drawing quite a bit, and watching a lot of Videos of all types. Hope to one day make one.
The downside is that I have been thinking too much, and mostly the same thoughts, over and over again. The only time the creation of new thoughts occurs is at 6-7am, when I am flickering in and out of consciousness. I have some of those written down on various apps on my phone, but they’re not all coherent. Either that, or they’re too personal to be shared. Or too sad. A couple of days ago, my brother looked at my drawings and said “sometimes I worry about you” with a lot of fake concern. Thanks. Sometimes 9 year olds can tell better than actual adults. Anyway, I’m going to go have some midnight snacks.
It has actually been quite hot the past week, which is nice. I don’t think I did much either… I enrolled in my courses for the next year. Amazing how I’m already going to be entering my third year. I really didn’t expect to make it this far.
I spent a good amount of last year alone, which let me do quite a bit of retrospective pondering. It was usually aimless and circular, but I suppose that is what entertains the lonely. On my 19th birthday, while at karaoke with some extended family, I ended up thinking of a metaphor for one’s past. I thought about how the things that I found unsettling about either my childhood or school years I ended up carrying with me, like balloons. A whole bunch of balloons, each carrying a memory of something bad. I thought about it sadly: why did I have to carry those with me? Why was my story like this? Why did these events and memories define who I am? … and so on.
Last night I went back to that thought by accident, and noticed that over the years, I’ve created quite a few metaphors for my sadness. There were the balloons, but I had also characterized it as a shadow, or some sort of burden; or as a parasite that dwells in my centre, taking up all the space; or like a character profile in games that pulls up my stats and skills; or a weight that keeps me stuck to the floor. Sometimes, I would be afraid of keeping them, and distanced myself away from those feelings-thoughts-memories, while other times, I’d imagined them as part of me. Part of what made me who I am, something that can’t be divorced. I guess those are all right, but in a way, it’s also just all… the result of over-thinking.
Well, it’s a great way to pass time. A thought exercise. Anyway, back to last night: I was watching dumb videos before sleeping of an interview. The person being interviewed spoke about being the child of a famous person, and having their flaws being televised from a young age, and all sorts of troubles that I could not imagine nor relate to. But, perhaps because this person was close in age to me, or perhaps because of some other silly reason, I could empathize. Everyone has their own sadness that they carry around. Who hasn’t felt wronged, especially as a young child? Either through making mistakes, or facing the consequences of others’ mistakes, we end up growing up.
So when I say I hate someone or something that I experienced, I don’t usually mean that I truly, one hundred percent hated them without remorse, but that I hate that whatever happened did happen, and that I hate how it made us feel. I say I hate high school, which usually just amounts to me hating the constant anxiety and unrealistic standards and unhealthy coping methods. I say I hate a specific person, but I usually just mean I hate how they treated other people/me, or the way they act in certain situations, or just how our relationship deteriorated. It also doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ve removed all instances of it from my mind, since I can still learn something from them.
I’ve yet to figure out how to navigate (with) my sadness, but I’m guessing I’ll figure it out with time.
This blog post has a bit of a different flavour from the last few, but I figured some change wouldn’t be bad. There’s really no major takeaway from this post either, just more of a acknowledgement that we’re all kind of not okay, but it’s okay anyway. I’m here to have fun, not mope around.
We’ve reached the halfway point (and a bit more) of this year. What an amazing thing, to have completed half a revolution amidst all this chaos. It was my birthday last week. I barely remember what I did, but honestly, that’s good. That means not much happened. At this point, if nothing happens, that’s a plus. Someone (who I am not friends with) said that it’s a quarter of my life. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant… did he imply that I’ll make it to 80? I somehow doubt that I’ll do so purposefully. I mean, getting to 20 was a fluke. I didn’t really plan for it. It’s a welcome surprise, I think.
I don’t think I’ve much to say this time either, so have a list of Things:
1. Even if you miss something, it doesn’t mean you still want that something. Everything is different now, so things that worked before won’t necessarily prosper in today’s environment. But it’s okay to just recognize that, I guess.
2. You can’t hold on to everything you experience now. It’s just too much. Some things you can’t try too hard to capture and immortalize, because you’ll enjoy it much less. Sometimes it’s enough to just enjoy it as it happens. Once it’s over, it’s over. If you focus too hard on trying to remember it all, you might end up with nothing in your memories.
3. One of the harder things to do is to really know what you want right now. Sure, I say I want to play games and eat snacks, but is that going to make me less lonely? and then: what kind of connection do I really want right now? Is it companionship, or something else? Is my inability to trust people harming my friendships, making it more difficult to find that kind of camaraderie? Is what I’m doing now able to replace what I really want? Not in the long run, but that’s a problem for a later me to figure out.
4. Everything goes forward.
… there was originally a 5th thought, but it was kind of stupid, so I deleted it. It was like, intro psych levels of dumb. Anyway, I’m gonna eat snacks and draw. It’s summertime and I am 20 years old and I do what I want.
Another good time of year (the time around my birthday). Midsummer, summer solstice, whatever. Summer used to hold very hopeful and somewhat romantic notions for me, but over time I got over it. I came to the conclusion that it was the same as every other day of every other month of every other year: it was a time that I could capitalize upon and Get Shit Done. Anyway, my mood tends to fluctuate quite often, so I never get around to the Doing part of it all, but again, where’s the fun in burning out? I’m in limbo right now, trying to figure out if my current state of existing is an extended childhood nostalgia-filled daydream or just another unexpected part of moving forward. That’s how life is, right? Just keep moving on, going forward; your mistakes are just stepping stones or bridges, and death is waiting at every corner. I used to marvel at that idea, but just like all my thoughts, I got tired of mulling it over. So what? I go forward because that’s the only direction I can even go in.
Sometimes my brother says some really weird things. We got a new(er) car a few days ago, and my brother was stuck on the idea that so much money can be gone in a flash. Things like that seem so simple—everything we can purchase is a trade and the bigger things we have to save up more for. We budget and plan. Every choice we make has days of discussion and thought behind it. It’s interesting to think that once, I was also 9, and I didn’t budget my time or money, or have to account for Things I Have to Do more than 24h in advance… anyway, I kind of lost myself there. Let’s move on.
But! However! It is warm, and that means I can dress comfortably. My siblings are done with school, so hopefully that means more video games, baking, badminton, and annoying the hell out of each other and our parents. I got a haircut recently, too, so I’m in peak summer form right now. A massive shapeless blob that is ready to consume. There’s a bit under 10 days until my birthday. As mentioned before, I was really hyped to turn 10. But 20… that’s something I never expected. Halfway to my goal (just kidding. maybe). I’m glad I don’t have to celebrate it. I’d rather just stay at home. Fortunately, there’s a lot of time for me to do that.
Not much content in today’s post either. My sister made madeleines for Father’s Day today, and I think they turned out pretty good.
One would imagine that there’s more time for introspection now that we’re still mostly residing at home, but honestly, the constant barrage of distractions and disasters make it difficult to find time to just sit there and zone out. I find that to be a welcoming thing, actually. I’ve spent a fair amount of time alone in the past few years, and all I did was ruminate, tossing the same questions up in the air, finding new conclusions, etc. All I’ve really concluded is that it’s too much work to always be thinking and assessing your own behaviour. There’s a line between healthy reflection and anxiety-fuelled obsession with progress.
I’ve still been playing games and occasionally doodling, but mostly just consuming things. Media, sugars, energy… just generally being a waste. I consider it lucky I get to be a lazy child again. It’s probably one of the last times I’ll be able to be this carefree. Not that I’m completely responsibility-less—my very existence is at least partly composed of responsibilities and anxiety. There’s a lot I have yet to do, but as always… one step at a time. I’ll do it later.
Anyway, this solar term is about planting rice and harvesting grains. Since I personally do not partake in the agriculture industry, I’ll address this in a different way: it’s getting warm! It’s almost summer, and my siblings will soon be on summer break. This break will be very different from the past few, but I’m sure that it’ll be fine. We can still have fun. There’s a lot of change to adapt to both macroscopically and within our own family, but with time, everything will be alright, and we’ll have another type of normalcy to return to.
I could just be fooling myself (as usual), but it’s been working, so. That’s it for now.
Here’s a tiny portrait of my brother. He’s stuck to me almost 24/7 and he’s a very warm child. He also constantly is excited and full of energy and the Zest for Being Alive. Of course, he’s got the occasional moments of downtime, but overall, he seems overly pure and smart. And annoying, of course. Can’t be related to me if he’s not annoying.
In the weeks since the last update, not much has changed. The weather has been slowly warming, and my life without any pressing responsibilities really is quite tame. It’s nice. I even baked, which is amazing considering how I’m known (at least at home) for being extremely lazy. I didn’t draw or write as much, partially because I have to spend every waking moment accompanying my brother, but then again, I am willing to spend that time with him. So I’m not really complaining. Only kind of.
I’ve also received messages from people I used to be friends with. I guess that means they’re really bored too. Why else would they message someone from their past? I suppose this ties in to my next thought about history. In this case, it’s about one’s personal histories. I’m not one to compare people’s experiences and hold them up to any sort of standard, much less my own. The truth is that the weight of each person’s experiences depend only on their own mental strength. To some, the things I’ve seen and lived through may seem like the frivolous drama of a young child, while to others they are unimaginable and possibly fascinating. Of course, these experiences (and anyone else’s) are all just that. They’re each person’s personal story, and it’s usually in their best interest to share that with their close friends and family. After all, what better way is there for others to get to understand you? And vice-versa, as well. Perhaps one’s mental fortitude would be reinforced by the reactions of others. Maybe it’s just another way of remembering the truth.
Anyway, I think (and talk) a lot. It may seem a bit like I’m lecturing or proving my moral superiority, but it’s probably more like my… stream of consciousness, I guess. I don’t necessarily think that the way I think is the Best and Only Way to Think, or that the observations I’ve made are objective and therefore accurate representations of reality (although there is no objective reality since every person’s perception is inherently skewed to their own original beliefs)… I like to imagine that I try not to judge people too hard. Even the most sheltered and obnoxious person is that way for a reason. I may not like that (or them) but there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’ll just move on. Since they’re not being obnoxious directly towards me, I don’t have a reason to do or say anything about it to them.
I think that’s the the extent of my brain activity for today. I rarely think these days, which is weird. Then again, I don’t have much time to myself anymore. What a difference it’s been… and it’s only been like 10 weeks.
I vaguely feel like I’m in one of those horror rpgmaker games—I can’t go out and interact much with the outside world, and there’s a few activities and rooms I’m limited to. I cycle through the same actions everyday and it feels like no time has passed, but the numbers on my watch suggest otherwise. Everything else is within my head or whatever media I consume, or games or dreams.
It’s interesting that when I no longer feel confined by the ways I feel or think that I’m confined physically. Is this an elaborate plan to get me to face my discomfort? Of course, if I learn anything from this (or any) experience, I consider it fine.
Recently we’ve been playing Animal Crossing on the Switch. It seems at first very simple and cute (or a great proponent of capitalism), but it’s pretty meditative. I zone out as I collect weeds. Sometimes I just stare off into the distance from the rocks at the beach. I kind of wish I could be on a boat right now, but maybe some time later.
Anyway! Summer! It’s coming, but much like everything else, I can’t really tell. There’s not much in the foreseeable future, which is a funny thing to say considering none of the future is currently foreseeable. Will I dream of something spooky again? What will I have for dinner tomorrow? What should I draw? Will something good happen? It goes on.
Hopefully I’ll have a little something drawn for next post. My photos aren’t really super interesting (this one is from the grocery store a few… weeks ago?), so that’ll be a nice break. So… until then.
My brother (who is featured in this post’s photo) says that he is a wheat.
I’ve been home for almost a month now, and it really has felt like no time at all has passed. I think this is partly because we’ve been cooped up and every day is pretty much exactly the same as the days before and after it, and partly because I haven’t been any type of productive at all. I managed to eat a lot, and sleep the usual amount, and play quite a bit of games. There’s really nothing that separates one day from the other. It’s very odd, and somehow a bit of struggle for me.
I’m guessing there’s not going to be much difference in the next few updates… or perhaps even for the rest of the year. But who knows. Upcoming events include: my brother’s birthday (“in eight days” – Gabriel), my birthday, and more gaming… and more food….