half of a half

Back to school.

More hoping that I’ll put in consistent effort. See that emphasis? Hopefully be less impulsive, too. Maybe make some healthy habits, and maintain those. At least until winter break…

Until then.

third-quarter

A relatively short post today. I’ve been really tired recently (I’ve been slipping into my true break form, which is very unhealthy), but there are a few things I’m pretty satisfied with. For instance: the rate at which my hair is growing. I still don’t know if I should cut my bangs or let them continue growing (I’ll look the same as I did when I was in grade 5). Truthfully, I haven’t been very ‘academically productive’ for the past week or so either. What is productivity when you could casually catch up on tv shows.

I used to be a really sensitive kid. Once, when I was around 2y/o, my parents were watching basketball on tv and someone ended up injured. All I saw was some dude who had a really shiny bald head bleeding with a hecked up face. So from then on, every time my mom tried to watch basketball I would cry until she changed the channel. For some reason I was fine watching those Chinese period dramas and wuxia films where people were stabbed through like every episode, so I don’t know how that worked. When I was eight I cried when we drove past my school because I was sad that I hadn’t seen my friends in a month. Not sure why I was so affected, but there we go. I guess I’m still a really sensitive person, what with the anxiety and over-thinking and all. Highly sentimental, too. Used to cry when I heard a certain song, too. Also no explanation as to why.

There’s my reflective portion of this post, so next would be on more recent events and plans for the next bit. I’ll strive to be more physically organized, and maybe do some actual writing (requiring actual grammar and… stuff). Try not to be too bored (because that usually doesn’t turn out well). So! Until then.

during a process

It’s been halfway through summer break already. Unfortunately, unlike last summer, I don’t have an adventure to document here. I find I’m becoming less eloquent. Not saying I was particularly so before, but that the tone I write with doesn’t really suit what I usually write about, especially on my blogs. I think I used to also be more personal, and didn’t mind as much as I do now about the information presented here for the general public. Maybe that also affects the quality of these posts: when I’m being impersonal I’m not entirely honest. It’s kind of fake, in a way. But I hope to keep here the more optimistic and public view of myself, with the whole setting goals and monthly check-ins plan I’ve been sticking to for the most part of my high school career. It’s like… the one consistent item in a existence constantly changing. That’s what I’m hoping for, anyway.

Recently I haven’t been doing much writing. Or drawing, for that matter. This was originally because I had classes, but then turned into laziness. So I’ve been consuming media, and becoming much too invested in tv shows (once again. Every summer.) only to break my own heart. But that’s alright! I have my OSTs. I say I hoard music, but to put it more accurately… it would be that I hoard memories. Which is not a particularly new thing, of course. When I listen to music I don’t actually just leave it on shuffle. Usually I find something new to listen to every few weeks, and sometimes I find a song I really like, and just listen to it on repeat until A) I find something I like more, B) it becomes boring, or C) I associate it with a bad memory. The OSTs I have playing right now remind me of the drama it came from, and also some weird experiences from when I was little. Strange, insignificant, unattached memories. Sometimes it’s a specific mindset, or strictly emotions. Depending on my mood, I can pull different feelings out of a song. It’s really messy, how I described it, but I think that’s why I’m always listening to music. That way, I can stay in my own mind, grounded by the validation of my experiences.

I used to think I was full: of ideas, of thoughts, of memories and emotions. I guess now I don’t see it that way, but rather the opposite. The reason I am easily swayed by movies and books is that I am empty. Absorb and let go. Flow.

Anyway, in September both of my siblings will be going to school! This is both exciting and terrifying, although I suppose I am not the person who is supposed to be terrified. My brother will begin kindergarten (which I have somewhat fond memories of), and my sister will~ finally~ join~ me~ I don’t know if that terrifies me more than my brother going to school, but that is all just part of the reality I have to accept~

I was really nervous about starting Grade 8. I wrote long emotional posts and diary entries as if that would somehow slow my transition into this part of growing up. I was… very against growing up. I guess what I didn’t want was the responsibility of having to take charge of my learning (or something.), and that I suddenly had choices to make when I didn’t even know what the consequences are. Or what anything was. Not knowing anything is almost scarier than a bad end. Anxiety comes from not being able to control your future more than simply worrying. I think this is one of my problems: I want so badly to be able to control everything I come in contact with. I want to be able to regulate myself and become neutral, and have things turn out the way I set them up to be. Since this rarely happens, I become agitated and confused at the outcome. Wanting to be in control isn’t unique either, which is fine. I think becoming aware of your issues is the first step towards reforming. (But I digress.)

I don’t really remember the summer before Grade 8 very well. I’m pretty sure all I did was complain and be a party pooper. Although I think I had more of a personality then, what with all the “preserving my dignity” and “refusing to grow up” part. If I could tell 13y/0 me about the future, I would probably just tell her to drink more water. That’s always good. Things happen for a reason anyway. I don’t quite know what my sister thinks about school starting, but it can’t possibly be that much different. When you’re 13, you’re pretty judgemental. You’re confident in how little you know. I know that 3 years doesn’t make that much of a difference, but it’s enough for me to realize that I was… pretty darn stupid when I was 13. I like to think I’m a different kind of stupid now. As for not growing up: I haven’t, not really. I still act and look pretty much the same as I always have. The parts of me that grow up don’t have to be visible.

 

the new status quo

The school year is almost over! This means it’s time to do some more reflecting, hopefully in a more organized nature. Firstly, we’ll look at my NY resolutions, which are more like school goals to be fair, since most of my life is currently school.

…and as we can see, clearly I have not been doing very well in this regard. I don’t actually have any motivation (aside from being really darn scared of doing badly) (which is motivation in a way, I suppose, but it doesn’t really kick in until it’s much too late), and I have no ambitions yet either. I guess it is too early to know, but I should at least have something I’m interested in, right? Unfortunately I don’t.

Work effort has been fairly consistent this year, which I find pretty amazing all things considered. I mean, it’s me, and I am like… actively trying to be a nonconformist or something. Yeah, something like that. I was a weird 13-year-old. Embarrassing. As for writing and developing styles… not really either. I know I keep saying I’ll write, but I don’t. I could upload some of my school work but it’s kind of a) embarrassing, b) those topics aren’t really what I’m passionate about, and c) I don’t really want to put my work online. So it’s a dead end in this regard. But there has been improvement in some of these areas in comparison to previous years!

Also, I am obviously avoiding one of these points because I have pretty much done the exact opposite of it (#3) and it’s kind of sad. I guess. Although I was in a pretty somber mood for most of the winter, which may have seeped into the posts then. Which would explain the hopeful but resigned tone. I was probably trying to convince myself that by not doing anything outrageous, by exhibiting self-control I would be able to have a peaceful year. Which is, of course, a true statement, but there is also a reason why I put it there in the first place, which is because I kind of expected myself to do something stupid enough in the future to warrant that kind of resolution. AKA I’m shaming myself.

My unpredictability is predictable.

But these are just comments on resolutions, and I rarely take it too seriously. As for other goals, however, I do not have specific ones (which is counterproductive). I wrote at the beginning of Term 3 this year that I wanted a significant achievement, but that’s pretty vague. But I guess… I’ve done alright for someone without an end goal or specific result in mind. It’s nice.

Since it’s almost provincial time, and almost summer, I guess I’ll end here with a few notes:

(1) Don’t let a repeat of last year happen.
(2) Actually exhibit some self-control.
(3) Sleep more, preferably upwards of 5h per night.

Until then.

late april

Fairly busy season. Filling monthly quota, and scheduling appointments. Hoping to be a better person.

deconstruction of obsessions

I’ve spent most of spring break having multiple teenage angst crises, and also neglecting my health. Which is not nearly as great or fun as it sounds, and it doesn’t sound very good. I did do my homework, somewhat, and I didn’t waste as much time talking to other people, so there is some improvement from last year.

Basically, I was a moody recluse. It has occured to me that I am very childish, more so than I had originally thought. I need a schedule, and I need to be at least 80% comfortable before I start any task. I also need someone to yell at me occasionally.

It’s okay, though. I have these really lame mobile games to keep me entertained. Yes.

Productivity will increase once school resumes, and I will once again have a purpose. Half-kidding. The weather is veru turbulent recently. Like my personality.

Until then.

ides of march

Actually, it’s in 5 days, but early spring is never a good time.

Plans for Spring Break include extensive homeworking, studying, appointments, and sleeping. Or so I hope.

I’ve been too tired to update properly, but I will try to have something to post at some point during the break. Hopefully everything goes well academically and stuff. I am worried, but when am I ever not?

Here’s to term 3. Until then.

2016 resolutions

Quick resolutions regarding present, past, and future.

  1. Create ambition.
  2. Find motivation.
  3. Act less on impulse.
  4. Look for opportunities.
  5. Maintain work effort !
  6. Develop a distinct style.
  7. Write more!

Even if the resolutions from previous years have not been properly met, or completed, I believe that I have tried my best in every situation presented throughout the year, ultimately leading to a sense of achievement by December.

…or something. Anyway, school resumes in 3 days. I will continue to direct my attention to it, and hopefully update soon!

Until then.

self-imposed tradition

So with that, this year is about to end.

I feel as underprepared and overwhelmed as I do every year. I read through the resolutions from last year as well. It didn’t feel very long ago. (I remember reading something a while ago saying that time was relative, and that was why each year feels shorter than the ones before. I, although believe that it is partially true, think it is more because we are all growing up now. We have a lot more to do, and less to look forward to, making the time seem to pass faster.) Anyway, I’ve learned how to properly use semi-colons since then (I hope), amongst other things.

I have to say that 2015 has been rather dramatic in comparison, as well. I’ll write a proper conclusion-post later this month (most likely on the 31st, because tradition).

What I find interesting as well is that when I was younger, on my… 10th birthday, I was doing some weird thinking about change. I believed that I would never think in the same ways as I did then (“I’ll never be 9 again,” and “One day I won’t think the way I do now.”), and that how could I possibly be 10 when I was 9 yesterday? I’m pretty sure everyone has had thoughts like that before at some point, and back then I was truly terrified that I would lose my sense of ‘me’ that I had acquired in those first 10 years of my life.

However, last year’s resolutions included one regarding change, and how I should accept it instead of being scared. Of course, this did not entirely work out this year (but I kind of expect myself not to change anymore considering that today we watched a movie in class which was also really scary and when I went home I cried. I did this in first grade as well. It has been an estimated 10 years). I have heard some teachers and my parents say that I have changed, though. It wasn’t exactly a switch of mindset, or anything, because I haven’t noticed. But:

I think they mean that I have matured.

Obviously, this is supposed to happen, but I am a rather slow-to-change person who likes to take their time, rather than embark on several goals at once. I can’t even… talk, really. Still. I have made many attempts. It is true that the more you tell about yourself the easier it is for others to believe you and understand, instead of assuming I’m just… some slacker. Not saying that I’m not a slacker, but. Well.

Although improvement is good, I’m disappointed. Last year, I viewed the forthcoming year(s) to be interesting, and I was even hopeful that maybe things would be looking up.

This year, I’m back to where I started. Honestly, the fact that I believed anyone or anything they said was one of the largest mistakes I’ve ever made. I can safely say that if the opportunity presented itself again, I would not make the same choices. I’ve been trying to make different choices—but as I am a last resort option, I don’t have many choices to begin with.

Inevitable events: although I take no part in the unfolding of the consequences, I can’t help but worry.

But it’s almost the end of the year, so;

Until then.

d-detention

I’m easily tired from everything. That’s probably because I don’t sleep enough, or seem to be capable of taking care of myself.

Well, that can be worked on.

Anyway, it’s starting to get very cold, which means I have my Very Large jacket with me. That is good; and today I learned a Great Many things, and I will list them below:

  1. How to open a locker. I’ve never actually tried, although I knew. In theory.
  2. How to factor easy stuff in math. I’m not the one who said it was easy though.
  3. Socials is bs and so are mean people.
  4. I should give myself some more credit.

However, number 4 is subject to one’s opinions. I’m not sure, but I do give off different… images to people. Sometimes I say that I am a genius and no one will ever be reach my level, but then to someone else I would say that I am utterly and completely useless.

I would write a more elaborate post on certain events that should be mentioned, but as of now I will go to sleep. This has been your regular monthly check-in from Grace. Hopefully the next few months will be less tiring.

Until then.