the new status quo

The school year is almost over! This means it’s time to do some more reflecting, hopefully in a more organized nature. Firstly, we’ll look at my NY resolutions, which are more like school goals to be fair, since most of my life is currently school.

…and as we can see, clearly I have not been doing very well in this regard. I don’t actually have any motivation (aside from being really darn scared of doing badly) (which is motivation in a way, I suppose, but it doesn’t really kick in until it’s much too late), and I have no ambitions yet either. I guess it is too early to know, but I should at least have something I’m interested in, right? Unfortunately I don’t.

Work effort has been fairly consistent this year, which I find pretty amazing all things considered. I mean, it’s me, and I am like… actively trying to be a nonconformist or something. Yeah, something like that. I was a weird 13-year-old. Embarrassing. As for writing and developing styles… not really either. I know I keep saying I’ll write, but I don’t. I could upload some of my school work but it’s kind of a) embarrassing, b) those topics aren’t really what I’m passionate about, and c) I don’t really want to put my work online. So it’s a dead end in this regard. But there has been improvement in some of these areas in comparison to previous years!

Also, I am obviously avoiding one of these points because I have pretty much done the exact opposite of it (#3) and it’s kind of sad. I guess. Although I was in a pretty somber mood for most of the winter, which may have seeped into the posts then. Which would explain the hopeful but resigned tone. I was probably trying to convince myself that by not doing anything outrageous, by exhibiting self-control I would be able to have a peaceful year. Which is, of course, a true statement, but there is also a reason why I put it there in the first place, which is because I kind of expected myself to do something stupid enough in the future to warrant that kind of resolution. AKA I’m shaming myself.

My unpredictability is predictable.

But these are just comments on resolutions, and I rarely take it too seriously. As for other goals, however, I do not have specific ones (which is counterproductive). I wrote at the beginning of Term 3 this year that I wanted a significant achievement, but that’s pretty vague. But I guess… I’ve done alright for someone without an end goal or specific result in mind. It’s nice.

Since it’s almost provincial time, and almost summer, I guess I’ll end here with a few notes:

(1) Don’t let a repeat of last year happen.
(2) Actually exhibit some self-control.
(3) Sleep more, preferably upwards of 5h per night.

Until then.

late april

Fairly busy season. Filling monthly quota, and scheduling appointments. Hoping to be a better person.

deconstruction of obsessions

I’ve spent most of spring break having multiple teenage angst crises, and also neglecting my health. Which is not nearly as great or fun as it sounds, and it doesn’t sound very good. I did do my homework, somewhat, and I didn’t waste as much time talking to other people, so there is some improvement from last year.

Basically, I was a moody recluse. It has occured to me that I am very childish, more so than I had originally thought. I need a schedule, and I need to be at least 80% comfortable before I start any task. I also need someone to yell at me occasionally.

It’s okay, though. I have these really lame mobile games to keep me entertained. Yes.

Productivity will increase once school resumes, and I will once again have a purpose. Half-kidding. The weather is veru turbulent recently. Like my personality.

Until then.

ides of march

Actually, it’s in 5 days, but early spring is never a good time.

Plans for Spring Break include extensive homeworking, studying, appointments, and sleeping. Or so I hope.

I’ve been too tired to update properly, but I will try to have something to post at some point during the break. Hopefully everything goes well academically and stuff. I am worried, but when am I ever not?

Here’s to term 3. Until then.

self-imposed tradition

So with that, this year is about to end.

I feel as underprepared and overwhelmed as I do every year. I read through the resolutions from last year as well. It didn’t feel very long ago. (I remember reading something a while ago saying that time was relative, and that was why each year feels shorter than the ones before. I, although believe that it is partially true, think it is more because we are all growing up now. We have a lot more to do, and less to look forward to, making the time seem to pass faster.) Anyway, I’ve learned how to properly use semi-colons since then (I hope), amongst other things.

I have to say that 2015 has been rather dramatic in comparison, as well. I’ll write a proper conclusion-post later this month (most likely on the 31st, because tradition).

What I find interesting as well is that when I was younger, on my… 10th birthday, I was doing some weird thinking about change. I believed that I would never think in the same ways as I did then (“I’ll never be 9 again,” and “One day I won’t think the way I do now.”), and that how could I possibly be 10 when I was 9 yesterday? I’m pretty sure everyone has had thoughts like that before at some point, and back then I was truly terrified that I would lose my sense of ‘me’ that I had acquired in those first 10 years of my life.

However, last year’s resolutions included one regarding change, and how I should accept it instead of being scared. Of course, this did not entirely work out this year (but I kind of expect myself not to change anymore considering that today we watched a movie in class which was also really scary and when I went home I cried. I did this in first grade as well. It has been an estimated 10 years). I have heard some teachers and my parents say that I have changed, though. It wasn’t exactly a switch of mindset, or anything, because I haven’t noticed. But:

I think they mean that I have matured.

Obviously, this is supposed to happen, but I am a rather slow-to-change person who likes to take their time, rather than embark on several goals at once. I can’t even… talk, really. Still. I have made many attempts. It is true that the more you tell about yourself the easier it is for others to believe you and understand, instead of assuming I’m just… some slacker. Not saying that I’m not a slacker, but. Well.

Although improvement is good, I’m disappointed. Last year, I viewed the forthcoming year(s) to be interesting, and I was even hopeful that maybe things would be looking up.

This year, I’m back to where I started. Honestly, the fact that I believed anyone or anything they said was one of the largest mistakes I’ve ever made. I can safely say that if the opportunity presented itself again, I would not make the same choices. I’ve been trying to make different choices—but as I am a last resort option, I don’t have many choices to begin with.

Inevitable events: although I take no part in the unfolding of the consequences, I can’t help but worry.

But it’s almost the end of the year, so;

Until then.

d-detention

I’m easily tired from everything. That’s probably because I don’t sleep enough, or seem to be capable of taking care of myself.

Well, that can be worked on.

Anyway, it’s starting to get very cold, which means I have my Very Large jacket with me. That is good; and today I learned a Great Many things, and I will list them below:

  1. How to open a locker. I’ve never actually tried, although I knew. In theory.
  2. How to factor easy stuff in math. I’m not the one who said it was easy though.
  3. Socials is bs and so are mean people.
  4. I should give myself some more credit.

However, number 4 is subject to one’s opinions. I’m not sure, but I do give off different… images to people. Sometimes I say that I am a genius and no one will ever be reach my level, but then to someone else I would say that I am utterly and completely useless.

I would write a more elaborate post on certain events that should be mentioned, but as of now I will go to sleep. This has been your regular monthly check-in from Grace. Hopefully the next few months will be less tiring.

Until then.

assessment question

[bg music: 공허해]

Routinely asks myself questions about my current place and I receive different answers at every possible point. I don’t know what that says about me as a person, or my ever-changing state of mind. But. Whatever.

So. School is starting to be intense again. It will stay intense until, like, summer. Which means homework, and things I will actually have to do. I still have negative motivations and even less aspirations, so I guess I’m kind of screwed.

I used to… kind of have a grasp on what my supposed identity was, or what it was eventually going to become. But currently, recently, as of late, I have no idea again.

Contradictory. I’m a contradictory person. There. In four words I have summed up everything.

[bg music: AIRPLANE]

This past school year (and the attached summers) feel unreal. What does feel real? I’m not sure.

What have I gained? What did I learn?

I have a lot more pink things on my desk, and figurines. I learned that I never learn.

This summer was regrettable. But it was also the most fun I’ve had in a long time, and the most fun I’ll have for a long time. That thought in itself is quite regrettable. There still are many things I do not know from the summer, and although I’d like to know, I presume asking those questions would not be very productive. However, I regret in particular the fact that I took the time to explain myself, and for once, display my true thoughts.

I suppose honesty isn’t appreciated, and that people only listen to reply, if the reply is all that counts. Isn’t it?

[bg music:니가 하면]

Maybe this one will be shorter. I’m constantly worrying and overruling my previous judgements—about other people, about homework, about myself—and all I end up is 10x more confused than I was previously.

Then I’ll leave myself to reminiscing, and you to your reading. Onto colder weather.

Until then.

some other other things

[bg music: 愛してるのに、愛せない]

I find it funny that the song fits my mood. Eerily accurate. Okay, maybe it’s not as much of a coincidence as I’m playing it up to be, but really. It does fit.

So… what have I been up to? Every time I ask this, I think for a long time, and I end up knowing less than I did to begin with. Which doesn’t really make sense considering I am myself, and so I should know what I’m doing. But I don’t, not really. I guess I could say that I’ve been going to school. That’s not a lie, but that’s just not everything.

I’ve been drawing, occasionally, and writing, but barely; sleeping, hardly, and dreaming, mostly. Truthfully, I’m a little bit tired of being in my own head so often. It’s the same old route every minute, every night, and honestly, it’s getting more than a little bit tiring. I suppose changing my mindframe would solve it—but as with everything, easier said than done.

Dreaming, right? What could I possibly dream of? I’m… not even sure anymore. I realize that it’s getting harder and harder to talk, recently, but harder and harder still is it to find someone who will actually listen. It’s hard to find someone to talk to in person. Which is most important, and it’s supposedly easier and I wish I could.

But what are the chances, and how long am I willing to continue dreaming?

[bg music: 굿 바이 바이]

That sounds very flowery and deep. But deep-end deep, you know? Jumping off the deep end. Or something. I’m not brave enough to think so far, or so explicitly, but I do think. It’s not exactly the most productive activity I could be doing, but it’s much easier than anything I should be doing.

Over the summer I did dumb things. That’s all I can describe it as, anyway. The way my sister remembers it is a bit different from how I did. Of me, anyway. I left a bad impression on myself. I think something changed.

Internally.

Again.

[bg music:롤러코스터]

A day later: I’m thinking about how useless existences are. Which is not to say that ‘people are meaningless specks of dust’ or whatever, but the fact that I, an entire person with thoughts and habits and ideas, could be your closest friend for over a year but then, in a few months, go back to being a stranger. If I compare and replicate certain scenes from these years it really does look pathetic.

But there’s nothing I want, nothing I can do, and nothing to prove anymore. So why do I keep whining uselessly? It’s to pass time, and time is indeed passing but none of my stupid nagging thoughts are. So what’s the point? What’s your point?

I’m tired but I don’t want to sleep, either.

What do I even have left to say? Is this just another way of craving attention? Why have I reached this standstill? Wasn’t I so much better before?

So now, when I say that I wish I had friends, I mean plural, I mean close ones, I mean people who will care no matter the circumstance within common reason. People with no… messed up impressions or prejudice or bias or something left over from previous friendships with other people.

And in a way, I’m blaming people. But that’s not my intention, no, it was never my intention. Although my moods and whatnot can be turbulent at times, I have fairly good intentions for the most part. Except for when I’m pretending to hate someone because it’s so much easier to do so than to admit that you like anyone. Well, at this stage, of course.

This has been your routinely pathetic personal reflection post by Grace Yin, hope you enjoyed and see you next time!

Until then.

ergo,

It’s midnight. I suppose I should have a certain topic in mind, or at least something of moderately urgent matter to share, given the current time and state of the house, but I actually don’t. So why am I writing this, if there’s nothing pressing to mention?

So. It is spring, and it is rather warm, and my motivation is slowly coming back. Or, well, it better be, because the school year is ending and I have yet to catch up. Recently I haven’t done much, and this year has felt like it has passed a little too quickly for anyone’s liking. The entire process felt like drying my hair. Tedious and long and gross until it’s over, and then it’s too late. My hair will be dry. That was a terrible analogy. I apologize.

Why am I so bad at writing? So bad at organizing my thoughts. I suppose keeping various notebooks would help, but it didn’t; not really. It’s an entirely different thing, I suppose. It’s disappointing either way. I’m practically a native, having come here when I was about one. I’m disappointing.

My current favourite saying:

Who needs self-esteem when you have narcissism?

And with that I shall leave. Mostly because it’s like, 12:30, and I’m a child. Bye.

spring showers

I can’t exactly say I’ve been stuck in a rut, but I’ve been… well, stuck. In a rut.

Recently have come to the realization that I am actually not even close to being even remotely good at writing. I can’t ever finish writing anything unless I am tired enough to just sit in one spot and concentrate and write. Without second-guessing or questioning myself, or feeling like an idiot who is obsessed with the backspace button. I can’t write.

Which would be perfectly fine if I didn’t grow up with some sort of superiority complex, believing I could write. Or that I could draw. Or anything involving creativity.

What use is creativity if I can’t put it to good use?

I do have a lot of unfinished things that I never want to see again, but I haven’t the heart to delete them.

It’s also pretty discouraging when I try to write something, which is then promptly omitted, then rewritten with an entirely different nuance by someone else that everyone says the absolute best.

Looking for perfection. But what’s that? Is it like, the completeness? The absolute best best best? Something that is the epitome and pinnacle and the most flawless to every critic ever? Or just when you can feel self-satisfaction?

Oh well. I try, anyways. That’s why I have so much junk.

And I also have caught the second cold of this year aaah.