Category: Holidays

2021

元旦快乐
Happy New Year!

I’m not quite sure how to start this one off, but we’re going in headfirst as usual. There’s never any plan or cohesive structure behind any of these posts, so it’s always fun to see where I end up by the final sentences. As per my own customs, we will begin by reviewing last year’s post: 2020.

I guess I was right about the “you never know what could happen”. Staying alive really did become an achievement this year, and I turned 20 successfully. That’s a plus. My usual pessimism turned out to be pretty accurate as a predictor, which is not great. I like this line: “Being busy is a lot better than being sad.” This is hilarious because I was not only busy but also sad. Except for the summer, of course: I don’t know if I was busy or sad. I was just floating. I think that’s a good descriptor for 2020 in general: just… going with the flow. 2019 felt like 5 years, but 2020 felt like just 2. Clearly, I have no grasp on time, but I hope you get what I’m saying.

Here’s last year’s reminder:

  • There’s a lot out there, and you’re not an outsider to it all.

I have no clue what I was talking about. Is this referring… to school? To Adult Society? I have no idea. I’m not really in the mood to try to analyze it, either (analyzing things reminds me too much of school), but I think it was more of an encouraging type of thing. I’ve always been pretty passive, usually observing and commenting quietly on things and trying to avoid getting too invested in anything. It’s a tactic that definitely is pretty safe, as far as self-preservation goes, but it can also be pretty boring… which is another thing I can’t stand. So I’m guessing I was just trying to get myself to care a little more about things. I think I did sort of end up doing that, I fought with some instructors and met new people and tried to be less cold, in a way. Not sure if it worked, but only time will tell.

Some people have also been listing their achievements from 2020 to lift themselves up, but I probably can’t do that. I’m a depressing person and I’m not as keen as I used to be about reflecting constantly. It’s a circular thought pattern usually, especially since I live alone and I don’t really get a second opinion anymore to the things I think about.

Let’s keep this simple.

  • Continue going with the flow. Don’t be too quick to judge others even if they judge you first. Sometimes people are just like that. The only thing I know is myself, and I have faith in my (lack of proper) morals.

Also, I’ll try to call my parents more often and try to stay focused in class (which is harder than usual because I’m no longer physically in class and I don’t need to act cool. I’m kidding. Maybe.)

Anyway, the solar term system seems to be working great, so it’ll be continuing. I’ll update the categories at some point next week, and maybe… there will be… some more Other Content. Who knows.

Until then.

2020

A bit of a more personal (if that’s possible) post.

10 years of New Years’ Resolutions. It started as a grade 4 school assignment, and then became a sort of mini-tradition for myself. I would do a year in summary the day before New Year’s, then a post on resolving to be a better me. In the beginning I’d write things that I though I was supposed to write, like eating more veggies or improve in a certain school subject, or silly things like turning ten, which was a mostly inevitable thing. The last two years though, I haven’t really been keeping up with this tradition. Instead, I wrote little reminders that were either extremely vague or extremely practical, and were also applicable to Life in General Always, not just for this specific year as a goal.

Also, I’m the annoying type of person who doesn’t believe in Being a Better Person or any sort of improvement since I think that people can’t really change. Their personality and most inner, deep-rooted ways of thinking never change, despite how they may choose to display their beliefs and thoughts. So why should I bother pretending I can be a Good Person if I’ve never quite been able to truly be one? Plus, no one seems to be able to agree on what makes a truly good person.

Anyway, pessimism aside, 2019 was an eventful year. The summer itself felt like 3 separate years, and truthfully, I have no idea how I got here alive. I stayed in many different places, each place for less than four months, and met many new people. I hope I get to go on more adventures this year. Being busy is a lot better than being sad. The only thing is, this year I had to say goodbye more than previous years. It’s something I always was afraid of as a child. It’s also probably something that will never get easier, but that’s not going to stop me from adventuring.

Let’s check last year’s reminders:

  1. Remember what is important to you.
  2. Anything you do, do to the best of your ability at that time.
  3. Take your vitamins.

I do take relatively more vitamins than I did before, so I guess that’s a start. And in a way, some of my 2010 resolutions fit me better now. Specifically the cooking and eating ones, and living until my next birthday. As juvenile and silly it may seem, you never know what could happen.

One more reminder:

  • There’s a lot out there, and you’re not an outsider to it all.

Here’s a video I made this semester with my friend: self-directed.

how long is three months, really?

I never really considered myself a “family person” when I was a kid. I don’t think I was even a “people person”: I was usually reading or playing games or otherwise involved in some other imaginative realm that didn’t always involve another person. I was still a regular kid, though. I had friends at school during recess, I had friends at my neighbourhood playground, and I had a little sister who I kind of bullied into joining my world. But partly because I moved to Canada with only my parents, and partly because I’ve been awkward from birth, I found it difficult to feel connected the older I got. Specifically, with my extended family. Outside of my parents, my siblings, and my school friends, I had no other connections. It wasn’t that no one tried to reach out, either. It was just that they were too far away, and I was too far away, and also I was an insensitive little kid who didn’t understand anything.

From the moment I reached Shanghai until the moment my uncle watched me go through the lines at the airport, I was immersed in this feeling of… probably too much of everything. Aside from Shanghai being this massive city with too many smells, sights, things, and people in general, I also had a significant number of family there. I was considered a tourist in my birthplace, while simultaneously being welcomed “home”. Suddenly, instead of being the oldest kid-adult and middle person of my small family, I was one of the babies. It was kind of weird at first, but after communicating to the best of my ability with my Shanghainese skills (which I thought were stuck at the age I stopped speaking it, AKA 5 years old), my uncles and aunts and grandparents began to re-familiarize themselves with a 19 year old kid from Canada. And I began to familiarize myself with the concept of “family”.

People that I may have viewed as acquaintances (in terms of how close we were and how often I’ve seen them in our lives) were automatically supportive and welcoming just because we were related by blood. Just because of that shared DNA, if I needed help they would help, no matter what. I could rely on people, I could go to their houses for dinner, I could go to art galleries with them… it was just so nice! It also made me realize that my parents really did have it hard in Canada. I don’t know how they did it. The difference family makes in our culture really is quite significant. Since I’m accustomed to a more Western ideology while also being kind of alone from my own experiences, this was a very startling realization.

Of course, I also saw the similarities and differences between my dad and his older brothers. That was kind of funny at first, but also when my older cousins came back as well, we began to discuss our dads and learned even more about them. I enjoyed hearing about all of it. I got to experience first hand the way they deal with things in Shanghai. Everything was completely different, even the littlest things. When my parents and siblings arrived, that’s when I was probably happiest.

One thing that always makes me teary is when I see my brother. Even if it’s only been a month, he’s so much taller and I guess more composed of a person. He grows so fast, and he’s so smart. He’s a good kid, no matter how much I shame him for being a baby. He’s always my precious baby brother, though. This time during our trip, he really showed our relatives his personality, which was pretty amusing. Watching an 8 year old talk to 50 year olds…

I also miss my parents. They’re the first adults I ever met, and probably remain one of the few adults I can speak to casually. I’ve come to some new understandings of them when our relatives told me stories about them when they were younger. Also, when they left, I felt really helpless. I got home at 5AM that day, and spent a long time just moping. Logically, I knew that I’ll be fine when I wake up in a few hours, but in that moment I wished that I wasn’t so lonely. After being surrounded by the people I knew the best, to be suddenly thrown back into unfamiliar territory was kind of scary. Anyway, I was right about being okay in the morning. I still miss them, though.

Although I speak to Gloria frequently (probably too frequently), it was also clear that she’s changed, too. She’s a big kid (and not just like, physically). She has her own thoughts and perspectives and methods of getting her point across. She’s reliable and kind of too pure sometimes, and she’s also my number one right-hand man. That sounds kind of funny, but she’s really not that much like the annoying 7 year old I used to tolerate.

From my trip, there were a couple of moments that stood out to me, so I’ll briefly list them here:

  • When I had a cold and heatstroke in Taipei and was sleeping in the hotel room. Everyone had gone out except my brother who was presumably watching over me. I woke up to him singing to himself in the washroom…
  • That day the three of us children went to karaoke and the arcade with (Lulu) and (Mimi).
  • Our grandpa’s 90th birthday celebration, of course. The scrambling to finish our last presents, and the family photos where I redeemed myself. (My 9 year old self was glaring in the picture from that dinner, and it’s still hanging out above the fireplace in Burnaby. I really hate that photo. It encapsulates the very edgy essence of being 9.)
  • Once when my dad’s oldest brother was driving me back, he asked me if I considered myself more Chinese or Canadian, and which felt more like home. I said neither, and that I was a wanderer identity-wise.
  • The last week with my older cousins (and my niece), featuring an escape room, them making dinner, me being a leech for meals, a cat cafe, and saying goodbye.
  • The times I went to the hospital to see my grandpa. I was overwhelmed by other people’s emotions, but truthfully I wasn’t as sad as those older than me. My siblings and I could only watch and sympathize. We held his hand and made small talk. I’d like to think we did the best we could under the circumstances, but it’s hard not to feel like you’re a shitty grandchild. Even though we know it’s not something we could help.
  • My mom’s friend! I lived in her house for a month. I was very well-fed. I remember specifically once my dad and I had a disagreement and I came home from work all angry and sad. She told me to chill and we ate crabs and rice cakes while I vented, and she just smiled and said she understood. It was very nice, and I got to practice speaking Chinese.
  • One night my dad took Gloria and I to a street market in Taipei and we had beer and food and a pretty nice time.
  • Every single time I was treated like a little sister. Technically I am, but it’s truly rare for me to experience it… and it’s… nice…
  • Playing Tetris on the DS while sitting on my parents’ bed, in between them as they talked about stuff.
  • When my grandaunt arrived and we had a dinner together. However, my older cousins were with the three of us at our home and my parents were somewhere else, also separate: so when we got to the restaurant first, we ended up welcoming all the older people in.

There’s still quite a lot else that happened in those 3 months. It was a very interesting time, and I encountered a lot of new things. I became best friends with the subway map. I got 71 mosquito bites. I climbed a couple of mountains. I went to museums and took way too many nasty photos of my siblings. It was a good time, and I realized that as long as I’m with my siblings and my parents, anywhere is fine.

how to live

I’m supposedly on vacation, but at this point of my life a vacation just means not going to school, so I’m actually still doing a bunch of other things. So I’m in China, just kind of wandering around until my parents and siblings get here. Also, I realize that I don’t need a lot of things to survive… but I still manage to have a lot of things (namely medicine and creams).

Anyway, a funny thing to note is that at workplace A, I am the tiny child being babysat and occasionally given a task to do, and also being fed ice cream on a daily basis. At place B, I’m the oldest of the bunch and despite having an absolutely disgusting English accent, am taken quite seriously when I do my jobs. Either way, I’m still an outlier to the average and a bit awkward. But I’m a firm believer in doing the best I can wherever I go, so I figure that as long as I’m watching out for myself, then it’s fine. I can only account for myself, I have no say in how others perceive me, weird things happen irl, etc.

Well, it’s pointless to complain when I’m on vacation. The next 2 weeks I’m still definitely busy. After that, I’ll really be on vacation-vacation (and can regress into my actual degenerate form). I mean, I’ve been sleeping before 11pm all this week… I really don’t know who I am anymore. It’s probably because I get up at 6:30am, but anyway. Not the point.

In other news: I miss my siblings. And my parents. It’s me vs the Extended Family right now, and it’d sure be nice if the rest of my family could be here to suffer as well. :’D

To be honest, it does suck to be the only one of my generation (not even my age group) here right now. I’ve no one to do touristy things with. Of course I can go by myself, but sometimes it’s more fun to have a companion.

Anyway. I’m off to sleep. See ya around.

 

 

2019 wishes

Although I didn’t do the whole resolutions thing last year, I figured it’d still be nice to review the past year a little bit.

Truthfully, I can’t recall easily anything specific from 2018 in terms of what I did in each month (something I used to catalogue dutifully), but I do remember that I was very busy. If I wasn’t chasing after deadlines, I was pretending I had something to do, so thus I was always doing something, and that something was always urgent. In a way, it was an elaborate way of beginning to distance myself from my mistakes. Even in earlier years, I recognized that I made mistakes in my friendships and in… life generally, but I couldn’t figure out how to get out of that rut and tended to just spiral further down into mild despair. So I decided that removing myself from what I believed to be the bad situation would be the best option.

I feel like I must clarify a few things, if only to myself: firstly, a bad situation does not necessarily mean that I am/was a victim and thus dubbed it as bad, but that I was at some points the perpetrator of the badness. By removing the source of the bad, that would solve at least a few problems, right? Second, even though I was wallowing in a pit of self-hatred, I didn’t really blame anyone else for the situation. (I currently don’t blame myself for certain actions then so much as pity myself. I was a weird kid.) A bunch of kids made a bunch of mistakes. If I went back to that time, I would most likely still make the same mistakes.

Anyway, I’ve thought that thought to death by now. I’ll continue by pasting last year’s reminders here:

2018

  1. The taste of bitter and the feeling of empty is alright.
  2. Remember things you want to remember, and don’t worry too much.

I’m not quite sure I understand what the first one references exactly, but let’s analyze them both. Technically, they both mean the same thing, which is that I should worry less and just go with the flow. Very clichéd, but it’s also not a bad thing to remember. Most things in life you have very little control over, so any bad thing or good thing that happens is just a thing that happens. If you’re lucky, then that’s fine. If you’re unlucky, it’s also no big deal. Alternatively: if the only thing stopping you is your own doubt, then don’t stop.

Another thing I’d like to address briefly is the idea I had about becoming an adult. Any change that happens is also (usually) out of our control, so there’s no use in lamenting over being stagnant when you are unaware of your own changes. I think I place less importance on being mature or smart or whatever constitutes adult-like behaviour now. My only goal is to be content. Not to feel indebted to anyone, or feel held back. Or stuck in a bad situation.

Now for this year’s reminders:

  1. Remember what is important to you.
  2. Anything you do, do to the best of your ability at that time.
  3. Take your vitamins.

18

Instead of making new resolutions and screaming about how stagnant I am, I will compile the resolutions from previous years. I will also hopefully make as few comments as I can, because I don’t really feel like getting into the past.

2017

1. Stop eating like 10 chocolates a day. 5 is ok.
2. Don’t do regretful things in the middle of the week (aka not Tuesday-Thursday).
3. Take better care of your physical form.
4. …and mental form.
5. Become more motivated.
6. Make less excuses, stop attributing actions to some irrelevant cause.
7. Be nice. 🙁

This one’s an exception since it’s last year, so I’ll actually do a review. 1. I think I did eat less chocolate than last year, although there’s no way of telling whether I did or not. 2. I also cannot remember whether I did regretful things in the middle of the week, but I probably did, since I am constantly regretting. 3. No, not really. 4. Also no, not really. 5. I am motivated by fear and spite. So, no. 6. I cannot comprehend this statement, but all things considered, I do blame myself, so I’m not sure if that’s an excuse or just being self-absorbed. Anyway. 7. I wasn’t really nice.

Well, that’s done. 2017 was pretty unremarkable. Nothing stood out, but when I read through my journal and blog posts… there’s been a lot of good days. But nothing was extraordinary. I think that’s good, though, especially after the last few years. Sometimes, nothing is good.

2016

1. Create ambition.
2. Find motivation.
3. Act less on impulse.
4. Look for opportunities.
5. Maintain work effort !
6. Develop a distinct style.
7. Write more!

2015

1) Be (more) open to opportunities.
2) Squirrels.
3) Sleep more.
4) Work hard in a certain area and maintain that level of effort.
5) Draw. Stuff. Make it beautiful.
6) Self-esteem??????
7) Meddle less in other people’s affairs. Care less, basically.
8) (it’s a face lol) Find an interest? Better if it’s a common one.
9) Try to be less scared of change.
10) Do whatever I want. Within reason. I know my reason…s.

2014

1) Grow in the third dimension or something.
2) Cut my hair again maybe lmao.
3) Do something cool.
4) Draw better.
5) Make frieeeeendsssssssss.
6) No, seriously.
7) Get to level 200 on Candy Crush. At least.
8) Party hard.
9) Write cooler.
10) I mean, better.
11) Selfies skills must improve.
12) Stop nailbiting PFFFT.
13) <smile>
14) Figure something out.

2013

1) Update my blog with more . . . interesting/meaningful/worthwhile-to-read stuff.
2) Use my Fanfiction and DeviantART accounts more. Since once I’m 13, I can. (:
3) Create more memories to hide away for next year.
4) THE PROJECT. Acts I, II, and III, if there is one.
5) Depend on people less.
6) Voice my opinions . . . more?
7) Read actual books, not mangas or fanfiction.
8) Don’t change too much. (Easy, easy)
9) Anything seriously important/personal I need to do before June 2013 . . . let me get back to you on this one.

2012

1. Be more, I dunno, independent. At school.
2. Get better at multiples, factors, prime and composite, dividing and multipying decimals…
3. Use my money.

2011

1. Eat more controllably.
2. Be nice to Gloria.
3. Help mom out more more (or dad)
4. Be unique at home or school.
5. Don’t be shy.
6. Keep the resolutions.
7. Not forget to write my blog.
8. Be less psycho.
9. Be daring.
10. Clean room once each month.
11. Complete list and smile!!!
12. Learn to write with left hand (like a 3rd grader)

2010

1. Speak more in class and in public (I know it’s a little late but, still)
2. Write in my blog more, which I’m doing, so YAY!
3. Drink more water, eat disgusting veggies, you know, eating healthier.
4. Put decimals in my head forever.
5. Talk to both grandparents on phone longer and more.
6. Be better at Social Studies.
7. Pass Grade 4.
8. Be ten years old**
9. Learn to cook Chinese stuff.
10. To not be bossy (NOT THAT I ACTUALLY AM!!!).

In conclusion, I can say that I am a very enthusiastic person, but I never actually do anything. It’s been 8 years of resolutions, and all that happened is that I became less obvious, and I’m not grade 4, and I have a little brother, and my sister is meaner to my brother than I am to her. I don’t seem any closer to being an adult, either.

1. The taste of bitter and the feeling of empty is alright.
2. Remember things you want to remember, and don’t worry too much.

More of a reminder than a resolution, but the main idea is that these are things I should keep in mind this year. Better safe than sorry, and better late than never.

2017 resolutions

Quick post/comprehensible reiteration of basically every post I’ve made this year:

  1. Stop eating like 10 chocolates a day. 5 is ok.
  2. Don’t do regretful things in the middle of the week (aka not Tuesday-Thursday).
  3. Take better care of your physical form.
  4. …and mental form.
  5. Become more motivated.
  6. Make less excuses, stop attributing actions to some irrelevant cause.
  7. Be nice. 🙁

I’m not even sure if these are just… things I should do, or things I’m actually going to work for. Since I’ve written them down I suppose I’ll do it. Notice how there is nothing related to “opportunities” or “impulse” or even “mistakes” in here. Because despite it all, I’m still here and I’m still sugar-high.

Anyhow, school starts in… a day, so I’ll pretend not to procrastinate. Until then.

2016 Christmas

Happy Holidays! And an icy Christmas. I almost slipped in like 3 different cities today.

Each year Christmas seems to be shorter, but then again, time is relative and I’m getting older so yeah. I used to think that was cool, the whole time thing, but then last year happened. I mean this year. 🙂

It’s okay, this year is still an okay year. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, which is pretty amazingly consistent. I got quite a bit of chocolate, so I’m relatively satisfied at the moment. My productivity level could be a lot higher, as usual, but it’s actually Christmas so maybe I’ll stop being guilty and end up being not-sad. Sounds unlikely, but you never know.

Time for Xmas dinner. I’ll update soon.

Until then.

spark of something

Or rather, a spark of nothing. So maybe not a spark, but a stagnant line. But that implies that nothing is happening, which isn’t entirely true. Something is happening, but it just isn’t happening so suddenly anymore, and for that I am thankful. I think I’ve had enough of surprises and unexpected feelings for the rest of this month (I was going to say year, but I don’t want to raise my hopes). Anyway, for the most part of this month I’ve been going to school. I think it’s a pretty good distraction from being bored, although I still procrastinate too much considering the amount of homework I have.

I actually don’t know why I still write on my blog(s) with proper capitalization. Usually when I talk to other people or post on social media it’s in colloquial, which I find can carry more inflections than regular writing. I think it’s because I want to appear more composed. Less like the true version of myself, but the presentable side that is both rational and articulate. The side that can effectively communicate a specific message to the audience through word choice. Or maybe it’s just been a habit to write properly on this blog.

Aside from that, I think I will just focus on doing alright, staying afloat, and saving energy for later. Although I don’t have very high hopes for the future, I’m sure that I’ll be able to somehow compromise. Flexibility is a virtue (not physically). I’ll be doing my best.

Until then.

birthday post 2016

Unlike last birthday, where I hosted a sort-of party (except it really wasn’t a party. that was an excuse), this year I went out.

Which turned out nicely and I bought a bunch of stuff (stuff that I may actually use for once!! wow) and transit is fun, I guess. It was pretty sunny, too. I also got advice from various people suggesting that maybe this year I’ll experience less sketchy happenings! and yeah I really hope so too, but at the rate that things have been going, probably not. But hey, it’s all for the best, right?

Truthfully, I don’t know what to think about how I’ve progressed throughout these past years. When I was in grade 4 watching the awards ceremony at Brentwood, I remember thinking that one day I’ll be in grade 7, and I’ll have to be a part of the committees organizing events for the school. I’ll have to carry big binders and use tiny planners and speak to teachers and give speeches. I was a very terrified 9 year old. I remember thinking that by the time I got to grade 7 I’ll probably be much smarter and less nervous around adults. Of course, by the time I got to grade 7, none of that actually happened. The thing is, in the past I used to imagine myself in the future, like a kind-of preparation and goal. Like… in grade 8 I’ll be a big kid, and I’ll have to be mature! As of now, I honestly can’t remember anything from grade 8 (which is good. I don’t want to remember any of it).

So I suppose I haven’t changed at all. I’m still scared of the future, and I’m still constantly unsatisfied with myself. I may be 16, but I sometimes think my mentality is aging in reverse. Which is concerning. I think that I’ve been relatively busy, and things happen in such quick succession that I don’t actually think about them much until it’s been a year or so. As such, I have trouble trying to absorb that… this is reality. This is the world I live in. The choices I made are mine. I say I reflect a lot, but it’s not truly that; it’s usually that I feel like dwelling and I want to briefly relive those feelings before returning to the present. But some things that happened late this school year are kind of hard to keep as just a sitting memory. I call it PTSD not as an over-exaggeration: sometimes I just can’t stop the torrent of memory.

Also, a bit of irony: “I don’t suppose there’s anything from today that I’d regret yet, anyways.”

.___. no further comment necessary.

Anyway, it’s really late now… I set the date for this post on the day of my birthday, though, for archiving reasons. Onto the rest of this year.

Until then.