Category: Thoughts

things people about 20 years older than me should know

Here’s some more free-form thinking. This is not directed at any particular person, but instead a certain denomination of the people I interact with. To be fair, this could apply to not just people around my teachers or my parents’ ages, but also anyone who tends to think like a conventional adult.

Firstly, let’s start with my outlook on Things In General. You have to keep in mind that I’m only 20, but that’s also part of the fun. Wouldn’t you like to know what 20 year olds think about? I know basically nothing and yet I still have all this confidence in my own beliefs. What were you thinking about when you were 20? Did you think you knew what you were doing, and where you wanted to go next in your life, and what your plan for the upcoming five years would be? I don’t have a plan. I don’t have a goal in mind.

Whether this is a personality thing, or the result of certain experiences in childhood and the adolescent years, I usually prefer to live in the moment. The most planning I do is course selection and grocery shopping, and I feel like that’s just the way I like to do things for now. Maybe one day I’ll find a goal, or some other reason to continue living for, but as of now I’m pretty content just doing whatever makes me feel alright.


I didn’t really have a specific structure in mind when I decided to write this, so I’ll go full stream of consciousness. Next up is the topic called Where I am and How Did I Get Here. I am currently living on my own in downtown Toronto, attending university (online), and generally being very Alone. There are a multitude of answers that I give when people ask me why I chose to move from the Vancouver area to Toronto alone, but essentially I just wanted to leave home. I love my parents and I love my siblings, and I had casual friends at home, sure, but when I started grade 12, I kind of knew that things had to stop going the way they were, and the only way out of that was to leave.

I had a pretty average childhood, for the most part, up until grade 4. The short version of this story was that I was being treated badly by my teachers and some of my peers, and developed a nasty case of anxiety that never went away. I was a shy kid to begin with, so of course being bullied by my teachers didn’t help at all. I changed schools, but by that time there were only 2 years of elementary left so it was almost impossible to make friends. After that, high school was bad. Despite it being a regular public high school in Burnaby, it was competitive and toxic and full of incredibly unhealthy things. I wanted to make friends, and so became swept up into the whole thing. It was very bad for me. Throughout all of high school, I was always ready to die. I wasn’t planning on committing suicide, or actively seeking methods of self-harm, but I knew that if there was a way to just disappear and never come back, I would choose that option.

… and here I’d like to apologize to my parents. I’m thankful they’ve always provided for me, and I always had too much to eat, and I was given a lot of freedom unlike my peers. But just like any teenager, I kept them in the dark about a lot of things that happened to me. I didn’t consult them when making decisions, and I would hide my feelings and thoughts all the time. It led to some pretty bad arguments (mostly between my dad and I), and I know that I’m still like that now. I just don’t want anyone to have to worry about me. Unfortunately, that also meant they may not know me as well as I imagined.


Anyway, even at the end of high school, when I prepared to leave home, certain bad things happened. I’m a fairly prideful person, and it’s quite hard for me to tell my family that I was assaulted or scared. I imagine it’s hard for anyone to tell their family about that.

So I went to Toronto, and went to university, and learned about living alone. I miss my family a lot, but I also get some peace and quiet. I have more privacy, since I rent a room in a house. I can eat as little or as much as I want and not feel guilty (that’s just me and my Eldest Sibling responsibility). I can go outside whenever I want without worrying anyone. I can sleep whenever I want. Of course, during the pandemic, it’s extremely lonely, but then I think to myself: I’m lonely wherever I go, so what’s the difference?

My dad (and many others, actually) judged me really hard about wanting to move back for school during the pandemic. I know it may seem like a waste of money, but hear me out.

  1. I don’t have to wake up at 5am for classes if I live in Toronto. This is a very simple reason. I also sleep at 5am these days, so maybe it’s a stupid reason.
  2. I can’t concentrate on school work at home. This can be split into more specific reasons: a) I don’t have a desk at home, and all my school supplies were in Toronto. b) I love my siblings, but we only distract each other.
  3. I have extreme anxiety whenever we leave the house. I realized this in hindsight, but during the entire summer, every time I had to leave to even go grocery shopping, I had really bad stomachaches. At the time, I was thinking: hey, this is exactly the same as when I was 9 years old. This is anxiety, isn’t it. I’m guessing now that it’s because I associated my home city with the bad things I’ve experienced, and I was unconsciously afraid.
  4. Even though my parents are pretty relaxed, there’s still a feeling of pressure. There’s my responsibilities as the oldest, and household things, and my bickering with my dad… there’s many positives to living at home, but at times it can be confining.

Well, I’m here now. It does get lonely at times, but as I said earlier… I’ve always been lonely. I’m bad at making connections with people, and have developed a fear of being betrayed or taken advantage of. It’s a self-defense tactic. If you don’t let your guard down, they can’t hit you.

All things considered, I’m a somewhat functional normal person, and I enjoy privacy like any young adult. I like to take things slow, and not think too much about the future. I don’t have high ambitions or goals: I just want to live every day with no regrets, and a little bit of happiness if I can squeeze it in there. If I can make myself feel better, either right now or in the near future, then I’ll make the decisions that will lead me to that place of comfort.

I’ve spoken to some of my friends from high school (I really only have 2, since I drifted apart from the others), and noticed that they live a life that seems very structured. They strive to reach certain life milestones at certain ages, like finishing a bachelor’s degree, getting jobs, finding a partner, etc. I don’t know whether it’s ingrained in them to live according to certain standards, or they just only know the one way to live, but at the very least, I know that this sort of life is not for me. I don’t feel like I have to have achieved many things at a younger age in order to feel accomplished or successful, and I don’t want to be pressured into doing things that won’t benefit me. So that’s why I’m studying something kind of useless, while wasting my own money across the country from my family, eating lazy dinners and too many cookies.

If there’s anything I learned from between the ages of 6-18, it’s that I know what I don’t want. I know that I should be good enough to myself because no one else is obligated to care or ask about me. If I don’t do things that I feel good about (or feel deserving of), then what’s the point? I’m on this wretched earth anyway, so I might as well make the most of it.


Another thing: at school, in academic contexts, I find that instructors don’t always understand the current movement of self-care. It’s a hard life out here, as I’m sure they’re aware, and kids are becoming traumatized earlier and earlier as a result of the internet (a lawless place) and also the pandemic, probably. I mean, depression and anxiety rates among children are higher now, and whether that is because people take mental health more seriously now than even 15 years ago and testing more kids or truly testimony towards the fact that the world is indeed harsher… I’m not really sure. But the problem exists. Some people react to the unfairness of the world by fighting back and speaking up; others retreat and hibernate; and yet others do both, interspersed with a healthy dose of self-care. What’s wrong with drawing things for fun? What’s wrong with writing self-indulgent stories about fictional characters and reading dumb YA romance novels? Or playing Tetris for three straight hours until your vision gets blurry? So, in a roundabout way, what I’m trying to say here is that academia may not be for me. Or maybe this specific part of it. There’s enough suffering as it is, so I might as well find something I enjoy doing. But again, who knows. I’m a bit of a masochist, so maybe I’ll keep going to school.

I’m not really great at talking to adults. Or… I guess I should say older adults, adults with more experience being an adult. To be fair, I’m not great with talking to anyone really. I like to get personal and possibly overshare, and then keep talking about all sorts of stupid things. I have no idea if my friends humour me and pretend to listen or if they actually think I’m entertaining, but that doesn’t really matter too much in the long run if they stick around.

Alright, that’s all I’ve got for now. Maybe I’ll put up a part 2 later on, or maybe I’ll just talk about something else next time.

 

 

motifs

I think I went through a half-baked identity crisis when I was twelve-ish, which included depressing ignorant thoughts about existentialism (also why I find discussing this in class kind of funny) and a lot of sad posts. I was not very good at being a pre-teen, but at least that’s over. What happened after this was that I tried to find symbols, or something that could either represent me, or at least make other people think of me when they see it. Association. Since I had transferred schools and become about fifty times more reclusive than I already was, which is also great and fun. Anyway, I think I associated myself with squirrels at first.

This is partially because of some spontaneous joke during a lunch-recess play, and also because I asked some little kid that question and then referred to him as that for a year (understatement). I changed my Skype nickname to squirrel lover or hater depending on my ever-fluctuating mood. It’s funny in hindsight, but I was inexplicably serious then, as thirteen-year-olds tend to be. I was also a (bit of a) weeb, but I only liked two series so I’m not really sure what that made me. Regardless, that was the last part of elementary. In the beginning of high school I was Peak Recluse and watched KRG so I loved melons. In grades eight and nine I used melons and polar bears and also squirrels as my thing. I apparently always need to have a thing or two, and draw them on whiteboards or worksheets or tests which wouldn’t always turn out good but that’s beside the point.

Then in grade eleven I used plants (we are skipping grade ten), which I still do. I guess you could view that in a sort of optimistic light, what with the whole growth theme. Except I just think it’s cute. Maybe it’s a permanently dead plant encased in resin. Maybe it’s a plastic plant. Who knows.

Since I am no longer twelve, or an irredeemably mopey kid in self-imposed isolation, maybe I should think of other symbols. The thing is, you can’t just reinvent yourself by just saying you don’t want to be associated with whatever you used to like. As much as I’d like to just forget and delete everything, it’s not like I can actually forget. I still have a lot of squirrel items in my house (like garden decorations and a pink stuffy), and plant things, and quite a few weeb things. I may or may not have paid a bit (a lot) for the latter collection so I will definitely be keeping those. Anyway.

This is also a sort of extended metaphor for memories (wow!). There are a lot of memories I consider as ‘defining moments’ from the past… I don’t know, however long I’ve been remembering things. These things aren’t all necessarily traumatic or bad, although a large part is. Even though I would like to forget them, common sense and adults always tell us that mistakes are made so that you learn from them, and bad memories can be humbling as well. I am trying to convince myself that in order to change, I don’t have to completely reinvent myself. Because 1) that’s pretentious, and 2) that’s also very difficult. At the very root, I am of course still the same idiot that makes happy baby noises and also very dumb choices. Can’t change much of my human nature.

That aside, I was also into a few themes, which is Great and Wonderful and vaguely related to English classes. I will list them because I am lazy.

  1. Changing/growing (what a surprise)
  2. Transitory
  3. Really weird and somewhat romantic movie quotes
  4. “Passage of time”
  5. Space
  6. Ephemerality
  7. Seasons/months
  8. Nostalgia
  9. Instability
  10. Contrast

Not in order, but it’s interesting to see what and why I was interested in what I was at a certain time. I guess I like to keep organized. Of course organization doesn’t mean I’m not messy. 🙂 Yes.

I’ll leave this here. Anyway, I’ll probably post next during Christmas.

Until then.

meloncholy

These days, I’ve come to do less nostalgic thinking. The downside to that is that I have also been doing less thinking in general. Although that is usually not a celebrated thing, it is even more terrible now that I have encountered a Critical Period of my high school life: the end of it. This is a sad thing because I do not like ending things or change or separation or any other sort of thing that children despise immensely because they are dependent creatures who thrive off of attention and being placated since they know very little about the outside world. From a shoujo-manga perspective, this ending of HS is sad also because I did not experience any cute romantic moments. It is with mild disappointment that I report that I have had zero (0) moments of extreme happiness and contentment with myself or anyone else, untainted with a foreboding sense of something bad to come. From a more… intellectual perspective, the 5 years I spent in HS seemed like waste. I wasn’t motivated at all to put in more effort than necessary, and I never discovered or created a style for writing or drawing. But then again, if I wasn’t interested, why did I bother pursuing it? A mystery for another time.

Anyway, it’s a little bit sad.

I have chosen recently to ‘live in the moment’, reacting based off of current emotions, impulses, and instant gratification. It’s not a bad thing, but clearly I have not accounted for the future. What do I want to do? Where am I going? All I know is that I am needlessly worried. Of course, it’s not like I have to make a concrete decision right now. We can do anything we choose: we can do something easy, but boring; we can do something challenging, but invigorating; we can start over somewhere else, somewhere far away. Everything ends in the same way, and it can seem very pointless. But since I’m here anyway, I might as well do something. I used to want to be known for something, to leave behind a legacy of some kind. I used to be inspired by seeing people who did better than I could do, and strive to be even better. But for some reason or another I got bored of that as well. Is it better to be completely invisible and work hard as a completely average member of society, or be famous and established?

I am not looking for answers or lectures. There are no answers. Every reply or piece of advice I have received or will receive is an opinion formed by someone else as a result of their own experience. Everything I hear from other people is like that, so I am in no place to pass judgements on them. If they dislike me for being a certain way, I may be upset, but I cannot hold it against them if I know why and how they choose to think that way. Maybe the friends they make are all for “networking” purposes. Maybe they were a single child born to immigrants who focused on survival and integrating into a society different from China. Maybe they come from a more affluent family and are not required to do chores. Maybe their parents are a certain way, and they become a certain way as a result. Even if I disagree with their words regarding me, or disapprove of their manners, I have no right to correct them or point out anything at all, positive or negative. I’m not suggesting that staying silent in the face of prejudice or misinformation is something we should do, of course. I only think that common sense should be more common.

For someone who supposedly believes in being non-partisan re: social interaction, I do a lot of impulsive things. But that’s also because I get bored of staying quiet. Sometimes it’s nice to ask someone why they’re offended by your mere presence.

I guess the purpose of this post was to elaborate upon my lack of posts and thoughts from this summer. It was an alright summer, by the way. I ate a lot of snacks and got to see a lot of Nice Things, like fireworks and parades and fancy art pieces.

 

 

prelude to rain

A good way to distract yourself from distractions is to keep busy. Always have something to do. If you don’t want to do it, do something else.

The weather has been alright recently, a bit unpredictable at times. It’s either really warm or quite cold, though, so it’s a bit uncomfortable. I wish it was summer. Summer reminds me of green things. Green, yellow, and the most vibrant blue you could ever imagine, bluer than the sports drinks from the corner-store. Bluer than you could ever imagine.

I think I value freedom and communication above all else. Honesty is important, too. But there’s always a bit of lying involved to be entertained. But most everything can be solved by talking it through, like a rational adults. It’s silly to act a certain way and then pray that others will catch on. It’s ridiculous to assume that people will notice every little detail.

But freedom is the biggest. Why bother with anything else when you can’t even try? Why daydream when you’re locked up? It isn’t a form of escapism, it’s torture. Sometimes you have no choice. Sometimes you do. I think I’d like to roam around aimlessly. Maybe I’ll be able to find what I’m looking for. Of course, I won’t know what I’m aiming for until I find it. Wish me luck.

Wishing you were a better person is really stupid, now that I think about it. Coming to terms with being terrible is a good start, but often starting is enough. You can’t change human nature, right? Well, if you try hard enough, you can do almost everything. I guess reinventing yourself isn’t so hard, then. I think I’ll try.

Half-truths and thoughts from a Wednesday night.

end of 2016

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I remember what I was doing on December 31st, 2015. I spent the day having fun, but not the loud kind of fun my little brother has. Quietly. We watched a movie and I felt like even though I grew up a lot that year, I still had to mature a lot more. I thought that in order to become an adult, in a way, I had to suppress all negative thought. Or maybe just to be a good person, I had to become either positive or neutral. I didn’t want to cause problems or situations that would require additional attention. Especially after the latter half of 2015: I was entirely sure that I just had to move on and focus on my homework. It didn’t matter if I had friends or not.

Anyway, as the minute hand stuttered closer to 12, I remember whispering my resolutions to dead silence. I don’t know if they remember what I said, but it was probably along the lines of ‘just because something happened it doesn’t mean anything, it could just be a passing event’, which was the opposite of what I actually felt (not progressive). So, cognitive dissonance. Reaction formation?

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Onto the deconstruction by month (aided by my many screencaps, although technically my diary would be more of use but it’s also farther away from me):

JAN: …continuation of mope from 2015, aka No I Did Not In Fact Get Over It, although I enjoyed staying late after school eating snacks bought with other people’s money. And Snapple on the 5pm-ish bus home!

FEB: Mostly bad memories, but also a good one: volunteering for a CNY event downtown. The rest of the month was insignificant. Some metaphor revolving around stalemates and games. Wow, I was so creative.

MAR: World War I. Oh, and also more arguments. The first half of 2016 basically was an extension of 2015 in terms of complete and utter angst and mope. Sounds about as fun as trench warfare.

APR: No comment, but hey, at least the weather got warmer! My brother turns 5, we go to Victoria, I continue being rejected and dejected and whatever other words there are to describe pathetic sadness. VCT, and Cheer Up.

MAY: Wherein we realize 2016 is not a roller-coaster, but instead just some contraption where one is dropped slowly but steadily into a volcano. Or hell, whichever’s worse.

JUN: I think things start becoming normal (I mean, I don’t know what normal is, but that’s probably the closest we ever got to a normal) around now. I turn 16! Cool. Also bought school supplies. Also, provincials are sad.

JUL: ALL I DID WAS GO TO SUMMER SCHOOL AND DO MATH AND WATCH TV SHOWS it was terribly boring and the third floor is extremely humid and disgusting in late July. Starts fanning myself with 100q packets of math.

AUG: By now we are not only submerged in lava, we realize the hole we’ve fallen into is caving in, and magma flows slowly into the pit. (…) JK I had fun (playing with fire. hahahhhahahha). I mean I don’t usually make smart choices, so.

SEP: School starts. No further comment necessary. Oh, right, I was also very mopey.

OCT: Actual bad things start happening, and then it all goes downhill, except we’re in a volcano, so I guess it’s an earthquake. Maybe it’s erupted.

NOV: Raining, more bad-awkward things, I start giving up (lol oxymoron), I actually can’t differentiate between the different kinds of bad from Oct-Nov.

DEC: Snow from the 4th on. It was snowing today, too. It was fun… for the first week. Then it became a Nuisance. At this point in time I have completely given up on trying or reforming or growing up. I guess it wasn’t too bad of a month. That’s pretty good.

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So maybe next year I’ll go back to trying to not forcefully become something I’m not (or at least not yet), and maybe invest in A) some healthy coping strategies, B) some motivation, and C) more useful purchases (for example, not spending $48 on manga/magazines, and instead maybe buying clothes or something one can actually use). Also, not be so… submissive. Tolerant? That thing where you would rather go along with the other person because it’s easier. AKA take initiative! Except exhibit some more self-control, especially regarding chocolate/candy. I’m not as impulsive/irresponsible as it may seem. Most things I’ve thought over before. 🙂

I don’t think over-analyzing and reflecting too often is actually that fun or productive, so I’ll end this year here. I’m not very optimistic either, so I guess… just work hard and listen to music. Good stuff. Tomorrow’s going to be the same as today, anyway, regarding weather. So:

Until then!

on trying to mature

It’s been exactly a month since my last update! It feels both a long time ago, and yet also very recent. A lot has happened. To be truthful, a lot has happened since I last made a proper post.

Recently, I realized that I can feel a lot more than I can express properly. If you ask me how I’m doing, I’ll just say that I’m tired, and that things are… okay. Okay can mean a lot of things. I mean, considering I haven’t gone completely nuts, I guess my ‘okay’ is pretty okay. I was looking through my brother’s workbook a few days ago, and it had a list of skills a kindergartener should have. This included being able to greet visitors without shyness, address problems without aggression or running away/crying, and being able to express their needs, wants, and feelings. The reason I bring up these ones is that I’m pretty sure I don’t have those skills.

That is probably because in grades 7 and 8 I was really adamant that I knew myself—I was certain that I knew why I would do things the way I do, and that every decision was out of my own free will. I trusted myself 100%, and became angry whenever other people told me to do things that I didn’t want to do, or said things about me that contradicted my own view of myself. I viewed my character flaws as a part of me that I shouldn’t change, because why should I change what made me different from other people? Why should I conform when I was already entirely myself?

Throughout the past 2 years I’ve kind of… let go of that mindset. I’m still myself, a walking contradiction, but I’m no longer that narrow-minded. I’ve overcome some of the fears I had before. I still… reflect a lot, I guess. I’m always comparing the present me and what I know to what I’ve done and knew in the past. I’m trying to come to terms with changes. I’m… not doing a very good job, but I’m honestly trying. I hope that’s enough for now.

I think one of the most important things I need to learn is control. Which I guess is everything: finding a limit to everything, finding the limit to my feelings and actions.

I like reading my own writing (mostly because I have no memory of ever writing anything), even if most of it was mindless rambling. There’s sometimes one line that seems to stick out, that seems more truthful, like advice from someone else. I regard my previous selves to be different versions of the one I am now. Not exactly a separate entity, but just upgraded. Glitchy.

The last time I updated this blog I was very tense—not to say that I’m not tense anymore, but it’s less intrusive—and unable to focus. I didn’t do very well for the rest of that month. This month hasn’t been very uplifting either. It seems a bit much to me. All of this in just a month. At least recently… it seems the childish ways are coming back. I said I aimed for a balance of immature and mature, but I think I’ve had enough maturity this pas while. I like balances.

When I look through this blog, however, there’s rarely a gradual transition. Most likely because I rarely update. Throughout the years (since 2007!) I’ve… definitely changed. I went from grade 1 to grade 10. That’s a lot of grades. I posted about my ‘identity crisis’ in 2012, and my liking phase in 2013. I think I need a break from myself.

Well. Towards more motivated days.

Until then.

reload – leaving

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This tradition, as I have been calling it for the past few days, isn’t really so consistent as I’ve been playing it up to be. I remember that I used to take making goals really seriously, even if I never consciously thought about achieving those goals throughout the year. In a way, I was putting off improvement and ‘growing up’; which I am still doing, but not as assertively.

So, here’s a summary. I doubt I’ll be able to remember anything in detail (for better or for worse).

January: Fairly uneventful, and very cold in terms of the weather… amongst other things.

February: I did a lot of work for other people, and realized that I have no motivation to work for my own gains.

March: A good summary for this entire month: Skype. Simply put, I regret most of what happened from February to July.

April: Elections, Confed. project, failing English, and eventually breaking my phone. A surprisingly pivotal moment.

May: More spontaneous calls, more Socials and English work, more docs: by the end of the month it seemed much different.

June: Ignoring all the school events, I turned 15! Party of sorts, then a sort of emotional hangover.

July: Hopelessness, Planning 10, and then going to China. My vacation was spent whole-heartedly on enjoying a lifestyle I couldn’t ever think of back here; I have the rest of the year at home to sulk.

August: Went home, aforementioned sulking. Re-evaluates the half-year and my decisions regarding it. I end up at the conclusion that maybe I could have done things differently, rather than focusing on the spur of the moment.

September: School starts, and I put in much more effort into doing more than just okay in comparison to previous years. Not that I wasn’t “distracted” anymore, but simply because I had nothing else to do.

October: Continuation of school work and celebrating birthdays, then Halloween.

November: English class is enlightening (that was a joke), negotiations are finally made, and compromises ensue. Zero satisfaction. Also: haircut.

December: For once my assessment report accurately reflects the level of effort I put in. Volunteering, getting sick twice, and trying to maintain an air of composure (not really).

However, just a list of general impressions from each month says nothing about what I have learned:

1) What is a lie now, may have once been the truth.
2) Don’t use too many adjectives.
3) There is no such thing as too much chocolate.
4) Wear a jacket when your mom tells you to.
5) If overdone narcissism is your version of confidence, it’s fine. (Usually.)

I also took a lot of pictures, watched considerably more movies, and listened to a lot of music.

Overall, this year has been enjoyable, even if most of the decisions are ones I wouldn’t make again. I hope to continue incorporating both immature and mature aspects to my personality :D.

The next posts will be on resolutions, goals, and things I’ll actively try to do differently.

Until then.

a place somewhere

I keep a list of ideas in a doc for those cases when I want to write something but I have no idea what to. I also have a list of potential titles. It’s all very pretentious. I was looking at the prompt-list a few minutes ago, though, and noticed that I like to write about (or, well, at least think about) the technicalities and details of any type of relationship. Or maybe just details in general; I have a bunch of prompts that are two words (an adjective and a noun) that describe, usually, setting. There a few that are also snippets of sentences and/or dialogue; c/p from conversations or quoted.

I’ve realized a few things, also, recently, regarding how people interact with each other. I… sound kind of… stupid saying this, to be entirely truthful. It’s a very 14-year-old thing to suddenly start analyzing people and make up idiotic conclusions on “society as it is now”, or talk about how I’m clearly so much more superior because I don’t have feelings like the average teenager or whatever. Although the things I’ve learned aren’t like… that, necessarily. It’s from personal experiences, and the fact that I reflect on past events and compare things too often.

When I think back on all the previous best friends I’ve had, the memories that first resurface are, obviously, happy. They’re mostly related to playdates and finishing schoolwork first, winning math bingo, and sunny afternoons. It’s a very comforting feeling, and sometimes I wish I could go back to that.

I suppose something must’ve happened since then (aside from changing schools and going into high school…), because when I think of having friends… I tend to think more of all the commitment and effort I have to place into being friendly and nice. Of course, if I have to pretend to be someone I’m not in order to keep a friend, they’re probably not a good friend in the first place. I’m kind of lonely in that way.

Then again, a lot of people are lonely. I think I could try to alleviate some of someone else’s loneliness… but I’m almost 100% sure that the type of company they want is not the kind they expect from me. Because, usually, I am a replacement. A half-assed temporary substitute until one gets over it.

Well, whatever. I’m still little. There’s a lot more for me to figure out, so I’ll end that thought there. It was getting depressing.

Oh, right. I reread some old posts from some years ago today. I don’t think I’ve changed much (that’s contradictory), or in a particularly blatant way, at least. The way I write things (especially posts like these) have changed a little. I still overuse commas, though. In 2013 I was more open, relatively, talking about my classmates and the things that happen at school or between my classmates and whatnot; then in 2014 it was the end of grade 8 wherein I was quite relieved and quite lazy, choosing to express my thoughts in sentences that were paradoxical, almost (except they didn’t make sense).

That previous paragraph probably supported the claim that I reflect too often. I’m not sure why I do that. It’s probably something to do with my obsession with collecting memories… along with my diaries. Which I have been writing in for a while now. I don’t even know what I write about. Complaints, I guess. And things that I was happy about (… which are increasingly more embarrassing as the days go by…), or unhappy about. I have too many useless thoughts, and too may ideas that I never act on.

Back to the prompt-list. When I write things, I actually don’t use it. Which defeats the purpose of making such a list, unless the purpose was to remember all those genius ideas that will fester and die miserably. When I write, it’s usually a rewrite of something from a few years back, or a picture from here paired with the current song on repeat.

I write boring things. I can barely draw also. I feel like I’ve failed all the things I could’ve been good at, but I have no drive for it. A lot of things seem boring. I don’t know what to do.

Alright. School ends in… about five days. That’s a scary thought. It seems like I’ve barely done anything since September. But I have. Done a lot, I mean. I’ve tried to come to terms with a bunch of things. Tried being the key word, of course. Progress has been made (hopefully).

I’ll end this here, then,on a somewhat optimistic note. I’ll try to write more as well, about more relevant things, and things that would be explored in a more in-depth way. And preferably written at a time that is not midnight (as it is now).

[bg music: checkmate]

unnecessary thoughts

[bg music: loser]

I’ve had that song stuck in my head since it came out. It’s one of those songs that describe me fairly well, I think.

This post (along with the opening sentence) has been sitting in my drafts for a while (okay, about 12 days), and I’m not exactly sure what the original purpose of it even was.

So, I guess I’ll give an update of sorts, and possibly elaborate on some topics I’ve been meaning to for a while now.

I’ve been writing, somewhat, lately. Mostly nonsensical, preposterous poems about the nature that I know nothing of since I don’t leave my corner of the house, and feelings that I probably haven’t felt yet. Poems, for two reasons: 1) it’s poetry unit time in English, and 2) it’s a trend. For some reason. I also have a thing for tanka (and other taken-from-Japan types of poems). Syllables are fun to experiment with. I think I’ll try sonnets next; but metres…

As for art… I’ve… I don’t even know how I’ve been doing that regard. I draw a lot, I suppose, but mostly stupid things and lazy doodles. I don’t like art class. It’s very formal. I like to throw stuff at paper and lie on the floor. Also: neglecting my tablet. I’m sorry, I love you~ Still though. Where’s my motivation?

Alright. Gaim Gaiden didn’t expand much on noblesse oblige after all. I’m not exactly disappointed, because it did give me a lot of new information, but it would’ve been nice. It was mostly… fanservice. Ish. Not entirely, but there were some very awkward pans of Touka. Awkward. I’m glad they announced a Duke Gaiden as well, since they added Ryouma into Takatora’s story. Something about an orphanage? I haven’t watched with subs yet though. It’s very exciting. Yes.

My diaries are very thick and also barely elaborate on my life. I kinda whine a lot. Which isn’t strange considering the stage of my life that I am at.

Anyways! Over the summer I plan to:

1) Turn cool.

i) Embrace my inner kpop boy.

ii) Be less vegetable shaped.

2) Sleep. Some. More. I guess.

3) Write something.

4) Continue being okay.

5) Leave the house occasionally.

That’s it for now, so… until then.

 

some three hours later

I am not exactly an interesting person. Probably because, when asked about my past, I blank out. Also because I have lived for a relatively short time. There probably isn’t much that has happened to me.

I only started recording my daily events in 2012, in a book. I still do that (so it’s like, my fourth book), and it’s been interesting. But I’m really… naive (this is turning into a Reflection. like english class). I’m always, um, “diving headfirst” into things, so to speak. For example… in 2012 I was very into manga, and pretty much focused only on that. I didn’t really care what people thought, I just wanted to like… immerse myself. I suppose everyone does that, especially when they’re 12. Then 2013 I was into 2 things: the grade 7 part of that year I was ‘into’ some kid in my class (hilarious, I know; never gonna hear the end of it. it’s been 2 years yo), and then it was Japanese musicals. I would memorize all their names and roles (in play or movies or… whatever else) and birthdays. That actually sounds pretty creepy. Huh. And then I was interested in my classmate. Yes. That also doesn’t sound creepy, right. I should elaborate.

It’s not that I had a crush or anything, because that requires feelings. Which is not to say that I don’t have any, just… maybe not in the right direction. But like… I really liked my friend, okay. I really really liked her and I kind of vowed to myself that I would never leave (even if she left me, and that sounded dramatic). I told her, too, kind of – like ‘When we grow up we should buy an apartment and we can bake cakes and play music loudly and write fics together’. I’m still not sure if I was obsessed with the idea of having a best friend like that, or… her. I’m confused.

I don’t know if that is healthy 13 year old thinking, but that’s what I thought. I wanted to be with her a lot. Although the vows I thought of did happen late 2013, so beginning of secondary school: when I was impossibly lonely. I was always (am always?) bad at dealing with change, so that’s to be expected. I’m working on it. I thought, at that time, that she was the only one who understood me, and was willing to listen to me and all of my bs, my wandering thoughts, late night rants and gross messages. I’m embarrassed. A little.

[bg music: ta fete]

Anyways, back to what I was writing earlier – 2013’s obsessions were kind of diverse. Comparatively. The later part of that year I found Kamen Rider (I’m sorry to say I have only watched Gaim) (which I should make a separate post about), and was intrigued… and didn’t shut up about it until it was over. Which was a year later. Some of the relationships in the show reminded me of mine with other people (if I’m comparing my relationships with Gaim’s there is something very wrong), so I kind of. Obsessed over it. In the simple-minded way I do. When it ended I realized those were… bad relationships in it, that I probably shouldn’t have used as an example.

I don’t really regret things though. Because regretting means wishing that something else happened, something most likely good. Because now, with these mistakes I made early, I have the experience to not make that mistake ever again. If I do, at least I know what to expect, roughly.

Except there are some things I really wish I have never done.

Back on topic… 2014! Still going on about Gaim and about my friend. I had to deal with some issues at home early 2014 as well. It wasn’t fun… once the weather got warmer it got better, I think. School ended early because of the strike, and I was entirely invested in watching movies and tv shows. Then summer happened, and I had a fever, and I bought something, and I… went to the US! That part was a blur.

I’m going to refer to late 2014-now as grade 9 because that makes things easier. We’re now into term 3, which is a Very Bad Thing. I should work hard. < For the benefit of people who think I’m not.

I’m still recording my daily happenings… but unlike back in 2013, I don’t write about my opinions on people anymore (as much, and only in a negative light. I’m a bad person). I’m worried that it will be very cringe-worthy for future-me to read. I mean… some of it already is. “WHY did I ever think that person was cute?!” Uh. Yeah.

I guess I’ve learned some things about myself, as well… I wonder why I always feel like I have to justify my feelings and actions, though. Probably because I’ve always been asked “What are you so scared of?”, “Why did you do that? No one else does that.”, and “What’s wrong? Why do you look upset? Nothing has happened!”… or, those sort of things. Or maybe I just like to talk. And explain myself, because from my experience, misunderstandings are common and very… bad.

[bg music: limo]

The chances of me losing my entire memory are… pretty low (knocks on wood), and that would also suck. I have so many memories and thoughts and anxieties and no matter how much I hate the way I think I would not want it any other way. That might just be the side of me that hates change speaking, though. Fear of foreign things (xenophobia?), I guess. But just in case… at least amnesiac-Grace would know all the gross things and obsessions of grade 7 till… whenever the afflicition happens. Yeah.

I like to pretend I’m in control of things. When I don’t, I panic. I’m pretty sure everyone has that feeling (as everyone tells me), and that’s a shame.

Oh yeah, that’s one thing that also has influenced me (negatively? perhaps): ever since episode 28 I’ve been into saying ‘What a shame’ + its many variants quite often.

My thoughts right now are very disorganized (like me), but here’s a list:

1. I hope I can keep all the friends I have right now.

2. I hope I can find a motivation that’s actually beneficial to both parties (aha).

3. I am slightly hungry.

4. Why do I not have a specific… taste in music?

5. Okay, I don’t like ballads. No wait, I do. What.

6. I am so good at coincidences. Coinciding. Is that a word?

It’s now much later than when I started this post. Mayhaps I should put a linebreak and write:

THREE HOURS AFTER THAT THREE HOURS

Yes. Time management skills (read: lack thereof) galore. I drew a lot today, as well – but probably not the things I was supposed to be drawing… ouch.

Ahh… contradictions and fussy teenagers! I’m annoying. If I force myself to get back on topic…

Oh. I haven’t written anything in a while. It used to be long stories and fairytale-like things, then I wrote like. Poems. And blatant rip-offs of music videos that are so ugh I don’t even want to go back to delete them. Hmm… also short stories (like. so short), and cute shoujo vignettes in the present tense, third person objective. Somewhere along the line (before the shoujo, I think) I wrote philosophical stuff with extremely long sentences. Run-on sentences, actually. Last thing I remember writing properly… was… uh… a love letter. Oh man. I’m embarrassing. January 29th.

I’m… extremely out of practice. Maybe I’ll write something one day… if I get up early enough (lol not happening).

Were my blog posts always this informal? I think they used to be kind of lazy (well, I’m always lazy), and then whenever I was upset it would be pretty formal.

Aha! Passed 1300 words! How extremely useless! Okay, I should end this here. Until next time…

[bg music: your love]