Look! It’s December. I’m kind of very sick, so this probably won’t be the most coherent post, but I usually make quite a few reflective ones at the end of the year anyway. Let’s start with a review of the resolutions (even though I sort of did that in the middle of the summer, but it’s been half a year), and then a review of the… reviews from 2015.
This is the post. I’m not sure what I meant by ambition, but I probably still don’t have any; nor have I found any motivation. Apparently my goals are unrealistic (and here I thought they were low enough. Anyway). Impulsive decisions are a part of my personality, but I think that may be linked to the next bullet point: in which case I’m definitely implying something. Either way, yes I was very impulsive, and yes I took advantage of nicely set up situations to do what I wanted to do (No, it’s not sketchy). Work effort and writing and style: also no, not really. Makes me wonder what I did do all year, aside from going against what I should do.
Reflection time! I actually haven’t been doing a lot of that, either. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Last year I did a lot. I was really mopey and dramatic. Pretentious. I was sad and lonely and relished in the angst-y winter atmosphere and wrote heart-breaking narratives. It’s embarrassing. Ever since September this year, I think all I’ve been is just… stressed to the point of regression (I don’t reference psych that much, just apparently enough to annoy people 🙁 ). Also, it snowed this year. A lot. Comparable to 2008. I played outside. And got sick. And was generally a very confused person. Just imagine a very small fish swimming in the ocean, flopping wildly as if needed air but since it’s fish it doesn’t. My talents include poorly constructed metaphors and falling asleep in places everywhere except my room.
If last year I seemed to have matured, then this year I reversed all of that progress. Which is unfortunate, but I’m very inconsistent as things are. Very vague. Gesticulates in the general direction of things that have happened this year, conveniently labelled in my head as THINGS WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT, or PTSD. Not to undermine anyone’s actual experience and traumas.
Onto to some more specific THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED, I both started and stopped counselling in 2016. I think the reason I started was to counter my anxiety problem. My counsellor suggested some coping methods, and I was supposed to talk about my feelings. Of course, if you know me, you would also know that I only share to people I’m close to, and not very often. I’m also not very eloquent, preferring instead to use expletives and very colloquial language. So she said I was bad at that, and she couldn’t help me, so I quit. Plus, the main reason teachers wanted me to go was to fix the whole not-talking/presenting thing. Since I’ve been making some progress, I guess it’s fine now. My coping methods are pretty unhealthy (at best) but I’m alive so there’s that.
Also, I just took some cold medicine and it says it may cause drowsiness, but frankly I don’t think I can be any sleepier than I already am. I’ll make an actual proper in-the-tradition post later this month, so: