Changing habits (or getting rid of them) is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Trying to change my mindset is something I’ve been trying to do for a while now, but I think I’ve settled into some kind of… tolerating myself and ignoring the annoying things I don’t want to think about. I procrastinate the worrying, if that makes any sense. So any time I am told to think differently, in order t rid of the old nagging thought cycle, it feels extremely fake. Thinking positively is pretty much impossible. The most I can do is not be negative. Maybe neutral. I can’t think: “Oh, it’s fine, I can do this on time and I won’t fail!”, because automatically I’m thinking a long string of swear words and a couple of violent images. But I can think: “It could be worse. I might as well do the other things I’m worried about first and worry about this one later.” I mean it’s not actually that much better, but at least it isn’t worse.
I also used to be pretty obsessive about wanting to be a better person. I wanted to be someone reliable and trustworthy, someone who wasn’t irrational or made decisions without thinking. I wanted to be an adult, even though I was essentially fresh out of childhood. This was a very unrealistic ambition. I would go through my life and do things that felt contrary to what I would have liked to do, and I would say things that felt artificial to me. I thought also that if I had to consciously make the choice to be nice, I wasn’t actually nice, and therefore I was still a terrible, terrible person who could not be redeemed. This is very dumb. I acknowledge that. But I also haven’t figured this one out, so maybe I’ll do some thinking and experiencing before I talk about it.
Anyway, I guess you can’t really see progress yet. I’m sure I’ve changed somehow in these past few years, but I’m really bad at evaluating myself. I blank out whenever I think about my thought processes. I’m also simultaneously very pretentious and extremely sad and out of it. Life is truly amazing.
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