that’s all i’ve got

There’s a lot I’d like to say, or at least a lot I feel like I should say. Formality, or tradition, or whatever the reason behind it is. The obligatory “don’t forget me” “have a nice summer (and next 4 years)” “i’ll miss you” messages. Even if it’s true (I won’t forget, even if I wanted to) (You too!) (I will too), it seems all so repetitive and devoid of meaning after the 10th time writing it.


I actually wrote the above in June, before school was officially out. I was still trying to recover from the idea that I’ve graduated from high school, and that I’d be turning 18 in a few weeks. Not that I’ve recovered now or anything, but then I was mostly in denial. After I had finally gotten used to this place, after finally gaining some confidence in my abilities and myself in general… it’s actually all over? Even though I tried to talk some sense into myself, there was a lot of sentimentality that refused to listen to reason.

Truthfully, I’ll miss everyone. Maybe not in a super obvious or overtly emotional way, but I will definitely think back to the days where almost everything was decided and done for me. Although I can’t see what’s in the future for me, I know it’ll be different from now. No matter what happens throughout the day, I can always come home to a warm dinner and my younger siblings. To my family, I don’t think who I am outside of our home really matters. Which is good, I think.

There’s other things I’ll miss, too… like the specific feeling in a specific classroom in grade eleven in the afternoon during the winter, or the air-con in the yearbook room after school during May… and the friendships (whether it be short-lived, tumultuous, or freshly-made) I’ve been fortunate to have had made throughout my time at school. I know that realistically I could keep in touch, and make new friends, and go out for lunch or whatever: but it won’t be the same. I won’t be 16 again, and I won’t be able to see you like that again. So there’s that. People will be in your life for as long as they’re supposed to be. There’s no use in trying to prolong the life of something dead. The promise that you wholeheartedly believed in then might be broken now. After all, things change.

It’s better if some things change, actually. Even if I like it better as it was before. Since time passes (inevitably), change inevitably happens. It’s just that there’s no use in forcing anything. I don’t believe in fate much, but sometimes things are just coincidences. Things that happen because they just do.

Anyway. Profound life lessons, or maybe just a reminder to myself. It’s easy for me to think too much and too deeply about regular things. I try too hard also to be mature on the inside, but that’s also a forceful action and my mistake. Despite my belief that people don’t change much, their thoughts and actions are still limited by their age. Kids will always think like kids, even if they were always smart. I always overthink and worry, but now it’s about different things compared to when I was 12 (hopefully). Now I want to be an okay person (compared to ‘good’), and a responsible adult one day. An honest person.

Of course, right now, I am limited by my fairly narrow perspective of the world. I’ve been 18 for almost 2 weeks, and I’ve just finished high school. I’ve lived in this city for most of my life. Hopefully I’ll get to see more things, people, and places in the next segment of my life. Well, technically that’s a given considering I’m going to the other side of the country for school later this year. It’s a start.

 

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