third-quarter

A relatively short post today. I’ve been really tired recently (I’ve been slipping into my true break form, which is very unhealthy), but there are a few things I’m pretty satisfied with. For instance: the rate at which my hair is growing. I still don’t know if I should cut my bangs or let them continue growing (I’ll look the same as I did when I was in grade 5). Truthfully, I haven’t been very ‘academically productive’ for the past week or so either. What is productivity when you could casually catch up on tv shows.

I used to be a really sensitive kid. Once, when I was around 2y/o, my parents were watching basketball on tv and someone ended up injured. All I saw was some dude who had a really shiny bald head bleeding with a hecked up face. So from then on, every time my mom tried to watch basketball I would cry until she changed the channel. For some reason I was fine watching those Chinese period dramas and wuxia films where people were stabbed through like every episode, so I don’t know how that worked. When I was eight I cried when we drove past my school because I was sad that I hadn’t seen my friends in a month. Not sure why I was so affected, but there we go. I guess I’m still a really sensitive person, what with the anxiety and over-thinking and all. Highly sentimental, too. Used to cry when I heard a certain song, too. Also no explanation as to why.

There’s my reflective portion of this post, so next would be on more recent events and plans for the next bit. I’ll strive to be more physically organized, and maybe do some actual writing (requiring actual grammar and… stuff). Try not to be too bored (because that usually doesn’t turn out well). So! Until then.

during a process

It’s been halfway through summer break already. Unfortunately, unlike last summer, I don’t have an adventure to document here. I find I’m becoming less eloquent. Not saying I was particularly so before, but that the tone I write with doesn’t really suit what I usually write about, especially on my blogs. I think I used to also be more personal, and didn’t mind as much as I do now about the information presented here for the general public. Maybe that also affects the quality of these posts: when I’m being impersonal I’m not entirely honest. It’s kind of fake, in a way. But I hope to keep here the more optimistic and public view of myself, with the whole setting goals and monthly check-ins plan I’ve been sticking to for the most part of my high school career. It’s like… the one consistent item in a existence constantly changing. That’s what I’m hoping for, anyway.

Recently I haven’t been doing much writing. Or drawing, for that matter. This was originally because I had classes, but then turned into laziness. So I’ve been consuming media, and becoming much too invested in tv shows (once again. Every summer.) only to break my own heart. But that’s alright! I have my OSTs. I say I hoard music, but to put it more accurately… it would be that I hoard memories. Which is not a particularly new thing, of course. When I listen to music I don’t actually just leave it on shuffle. Usually I find something new to listen to every few weeks, and sometimes I find a song I really like, and just listen to it on repeat until A) I find something I like more, B) it becomes boring, or C) I associate it with a bad memory. The OSTs I have playing right now remind me of the drama it came from, and also some weird experiences from when I was little. Strange, insignificant, unattached memories. Sometimes it’s a specific mindset, or strictly emotions. Depending on my mood, I can pull different feelings out of a song. It’s really messy, how I described it, but I think that’s why I’m always listening to music. That way, I can stay in my own mind, grounded by the validation of my experiences.

I used to think I was full: of ideas, of thoughts, of memories and emotions. I guess now I don’t see it that way, but rather the opposite. The reason I am easily swayed by movies and books is that I am empty. Absorb and let go. Flow.

Anyway, in September both of my siblings will be going to school! This is both exciting and terrifying, although I suppose I am not the person who is supposed to be terrified. My brother will begin kindergarten (which I have somewhat fond memories of), and my sister will~ finally~ join~ me~ I don’t know if that terrifies me more than my brother going to school, but that is all just part of the reality I have to accept~

I was really nervous about starting Grade 8. I wrote long emotional posts and diary entries as if that would somehow slow my transition into this part of growing up. I was… very against growing up. I guess what I didn’t want was the responsibility of having to take charge of my learning (or something.), and that I suddenly had choices to make when I didn’t even know what the consequences are. Or what anything was. Not knowing anything is almost scarier than a bad end. Anxiety comes from not being able to control your future more than simply worrying. I think this is one of my problems: I want so badly to be able to control everything I come in contact with. I want to be able to regulate myself and become neutral, and have things turn out the way I set them up to be. Since this rarely happens, I become agitated and confused at the outcome. Wanting to be in control isn’t unique either, which is fine. I think becoming aware of your issues is the first step towards reforming. (But I digress.)

I don’t really remember the summer before Grade 8 very well. I’m pretty sure all I did was complain and be a party pooper. Although I think I had more of a personality then, what with all the “preserving my dignity” and “refusing to grow up” part. If I could tell 13y/0 me about the future, I would probably just tell her to drink more water. That’s always good. Things happen for a reason anyway. I don’t quite know what my sister thinks about school starting, but it can’t possibly be that much different. When you’re 13, you’re pretty judgemental. You’re confident in how little you know. I know that 3 years doesn’t make that much of a difference, but it’s enough for me to realize that I was… pretty darn stupid when I was 13. I like to think I’m a different kind of stupid now. As for not growing up: I haven’t, not really. I still act and look pretty much the same as I always have. The parts of me that grow up don’t have to be visible.

 

spark of something

Or rather, a spark of nothing. So maybe not a spark, but a stagnant line. But that implies that nothing is happening, which isn’t entirely true. Something is happening, but it just isn’t happening so suddenly anymore, and for that I am thankful. I think I’ve had enough of surprises and unexpected feelings for the rest of this month (I was going to say year, but I don’t want to raise my hopes). Anyway, for the most part of this month I’ve been going to school. I think it’s a pretty good distraction from being bored, although I still procrastinate too much considering the amount of homework I have.

I actually don’t know why I still write on my blog(s) with proper capitalization. Usually when I talk to other people or post on social media it’s in colloquial, which I find can carry more inflections than regular writing. I think it’s because I want to appear more composed. Less like the true version of myself, but the presentable side that is both rational and articulate. The side that can effectively communicate a specific message to the audience through word choice. Or maybe it’s just been a habit to write properly on this blog.

Aside from that, I think I will just focus on doing alright, staying afloat, and saving energy for later. Although I don’t have very high hopes for the future, I’m sure that I’ll be able to somehow compromise. Flexibility is a virtue (not physically). I’ll be doing my best.

Until then.

birthday post 2016

Unlike last birthday, where I hosted a sort-of party (except it really wasn’t a party. that was an excuse), this year I went out.

Which turned out nicely and I bought a bunch of stuff (stuff that I may actually use for once!! wow) and transit is fun, I guess. It was pretty sunny, too. I also got advice from various people suggesting that maybe this year I’ll experience less sketchy happenings! and yeah I really hope so too, but at the rate that things have been going, probably not. But hey, it’s all for the best, right?

Truthfully, I don’t know what to think about how I’ve progressed throughout these past years. When I was in grade 4 watching the awards ceremony at Brentwood, I remember thinking that one day I’ll be in grade 7, and I’ll have to be a part of the committees organizing events for the school. I’ll have to carry big binders and use tiny planners and speak to teachers and give speeches. I was a very terrified 9 year old. I remember thinking that by the time I got to grade 7 I’ll probably be much smarter and less nervous around adults. Of course, by the time I got to grade 7, none of that actually happened. The thing is, in the past I used to imagine myself in the future, like a kind-of preparation and goal. Like… in grade 8 I’ll be a big kid, and I’ll have to be mature! As of now, I honestly can’t remember anything from grade 8 (which is good. I don’t want to remember any of it).

So I suppose I haven’t changed at all. I’m still scared of the future, and I’m still constantly unsatisfied with myself. I may be 16, but I sometimes think my mentality is aging in reverse. Which is concerning. I think that I’ve been relatively busy, and things happen in such quick succession that I don’t actually think about them much until it’s been a year or so. As such, I have trouble trying to absorb that… this is reality. This is the world I live in. The choices I made are mine. I say I reflect a lot, but it’s not truly that; it’s usually that I feel like dwelling and I want to briefly relive those feelings before returning to the present. But some things that happened late this school year are kind of hard to keep as just a sitting memory. I call it PTSD not as an over-exaggeration: sometimes I just can’t stop the torrent of memory.

Also, a bit of irony: “I don’t suppose there’s anything from today that I’d regret yet, anyways.”

.___. no further comment necessary.

Anyway, it’s really late now… I set the date for this post on the day of my birthday, though, for archiving reasons. Onto the rest of this year.

Until then.

 

faking it

Today I watched my little sister graduate from elementary school.

For some sentimental reason or another I ended up feeling quite lost. It hasn’t been that long since my grade 7 graduation either, but it really has felt much, much longer regarding all that I’ve experienced.

It feels really strange to be in a room full of little kids that seem so ready to… not be a little kid. They actively want more freedom. They’re so hopeful about their future, whether they know what they want to be or not. I’m pretty much the complete opposite of that.

I guess I just don’t really notice that I’ve changed. I mean, realistically, of course I have. It’s been 3 years into a different school, and the world has been changing as well. Coming to terms with things, aka keep winging it.

Until then.

the new status quo

The school year is almost over! This means it’s time to do some more reflecting, hopefully in a more organized nature. Firstly, we’ll look at my NY resolutions, which are more like school goals to be fair, since most of my life is currently school.

…and as we can see, clearly I have not been doing very well in this regard. I don’t actually have any motivation (aside from being really darn scared of doing badly) (which is motivation in a way, I suppose, but it doesn’t really kick in until it’s much too late), and I have no ambitions yet either. I guess it is too early to know, but I should at least have something I’m interested in, right? Unfortunately I don’t.

Work effort has been fairly consistent this year, which I find pretty amazing all things considered. I mean, it’s me, and I am like… actively trying to be a nonconformist or something. Yeah, something like that. I was a weird 13-year-old. Embarrassing. As for writing and developing styles… not really either. I know I keep saying I’ll write, but I don’t. I could upload some of my school work but it’s kind of a) embarrassing, b) those topics aren’t really what I’m passionate about, and c) I don’t really want to put my work online. So it’s a dead end in this regard. But there has been improvement in some of these areas in comparison to previous years!

Also, I am obviously avoiding one of these points because I have pretty much done the exact opposite of it (#3) and it’s kind of sad. I guess. Although I was in a pretty somber mood for most of the winter, which may have seeped into the posts then. Which would explain the hopeful but resigned tone. I was probably trying to convince myself that by not doing anything outrageous, by exhibiting self-control I would be able to have a peaceful year. Which is, of course, a true statement, but there is also a reason why I put it there in the first place, which is because I kind of expected myself to do something stupid enough in the future to warrant that kind of resolution. AKA I’m shaming myself.

My unpredictability is predictable.

But these are just comments on resolutions, and I rarely take it too seriously. As for other goals, however, I do not have specific ones (which is counterproductive). I wrote at the beginning of Term 3 this year that I wanted a significant achievement, but that’s pretty vague. But I guess… I’ve done alright for someone without an end goal or specific result in mind. It’s nice.

Since it’s almost provincial time, and almost summer, I guess I’ll end here with a few notes:

(1) Don’t let a repeat of last year happen.
(2) Actually exhibit some self-control.
(3) Sleep more, preferably upwards of 5h per night.

Until then.

on trying to mature

It’s been exactly a month since my last update! It feels both a long time ago, and yet also very recent. A lot has happened. To be truthful, a lot has happened since I last made a proper post.

Recently, I realized that I can feel a lot more than I can express properly. If you ask me how I’m doing, I’ll just say that I’m tired, and that things are… okay. Okay can mean a lot of things. I mean, considering I haven’t gone completely nuts, I guess my ‘okay’ is pretty okay. I was looking through my brother’s workbook a few days ago, and it had a list of skills a kindergartener should have. This included being able to greet visitors without shyness, address problems without aggression or running away/crying, and being able to express their needs, wants, and feelings. The reason I bring up these ones is that I’m pretty sure I don’t have those skills.

That is probably because in grades 7 and 8 I was really adamant that I knew myself—I was certain that I knew why I would do things the way I do, and that every decision was out of my own free will. I trusted myself 100%, and became angry whenever other people told me to do things that I didn’t want to do, or said things about me that contradicted my own view of myself. I viewed my character flaws as a part of me that I shouldn’t change, because why should I change what made me different from other people? Why should I conform when I was already entirely myself?

Throughout the past 2 years I’ve kind of… let go of that mindset. I’m still myself, a walking contradiction, but I’m no longer that narrow-minded. I’ve overcome some of the fears I had before. I still… reflect a lot, I guess. I’m always comparing the present me and what I know to what I’ve done and knew in the past. I’m trying to come to terms with changes. I’m… not doing a very good job, but I’m honestly trying. I hope that’s enough for now.

I think one of the most important things I need to learn is control. Which I guess is everything: finding a limit to everything, finding the limit to my feelings and actions.

I like reading my own writing (mostly because I have no memory of ever writing anything), even if most of it was mindless rambling. There’s sometimes one line that seems to stick out, that seems more truthful, like advice from someone else. I regard my previous selves to be different versions of the one I am now. Not exactly a separate entity, but just upgraded. Glitchy.

The last time I updated this blog I was very tense—not to say that I’m not tense anymore, but it’s less intrusive—and unable to focus. I didn’t do very well for the rest of that month. This month hasn’t been very uplifting either. It seems a bit much to me. All of this in just a month. At least recently… it seems the childish ways are coming back. I said I aimed for a balance of immature and mature, but I think I’ve had enough maturity this pas while. I like balances.

When I look through this blog, however, there’s rarely a gradual transition. Most likely because I rarely update. Throughout the years (since 2007!) I’ve… definitely changed. I went from grade 1 to grade 10. That’s a lot of grades. I posted about my ‘identity crisis’ in 2012, and my liking phase in 2013. I think I need a break from myself.

Well. Towards more motivated days.

Until then.

late april

Fairly busy season. Filling monthly quota, and scheduling appointments. Hoping to be a better person.

deconstruction of obsessions

I’ve spent most of spring break having multiple teenage angst crises, and also neglecting my health. Which is not nearly as great or fun as it sounds, and it doesn’t sound very good. I did do my homework, somewhat, and I didn’t waste as much time talking to other people, so there is some improvement from last year.

Basically, I was a moody recluse. It has occured to me that I am very childish, more so than I had originally thought. I need a schedule, and I need to be at least 80% comfortable before I start any task. I also need someone to yell at me occasionally.

It’s okay, though. I have these really lame mobile games to keep me entertained. Yes.

Productivity will increase once school resumes, and I will once again have a purpose. Half-kidding. The weather is veru turbulent recently. Like my personality.

Until then.

ides of march

Actually, it’s in 5 days, but early spring is never a good time.

Plans for Spring Break include extensive homeworking, studying, appointments, and sleeping. Or so I hope.

I’ve been too tired to update properly, but I will try to have something to post at some point during the break. Hopefully everything goes well academically and stuff. I am worried, but when am I ever not?

Here’s to term 3. Until then.