a place somewhere

I keep a list of ideas in a doc for those cases when I want to write something but I have no idea what to. I also have a list of potential titles. It’s all very pretentious. I was looking at the prompt-list a few minutes ago, though, and noticed that I like to write about (or, well, at least think about) the technicalities and details of any type of relationship. Or maybe just details in general; I have a bunch of prompts that are two words (an adjective and a noun) that describe, usually, setting. There a few that are also snippets of sentences and/or dialogue; c/p from conversations or quoted.

I’ve realized a few things, also, recently, regarding how people interact with each other. I… sound kind of… stupid saying this, to be entirely truthful. It’s a very 14-year-old thing to suddenly start analyzing people and make up idiotic conclusions on “society as it is now”, or talk about how I’m clearly so much more superior because I don’t have feelings like the average teenager or whatever. Although the things I’ve learned aren’t like… that, necessarily. It’s from personal experiences, and the fact that I reflect on past events and compare things too often.

When I think back on all the previous best friends I’ve had, the memories that first resurface are, obviously, happy. They’re mostly related to playdates and finishing schoolwork first, winning math bingo, and sunny afternoons. It’s a very comforting feeling, and sometimes I wish I could go back to that.

I suppose something must’ve happened since then (aside from changing schools and going into high school…), because when I think of having friends… I tend to think more of all the commitment and effort I have to place into being friendly and nice. Of course, if I have to pretend to be someone I’m not in order to keep a friend, they’re probably not a good friend in the first place. I’m kind of lonely in that way.

Then again, a lot of people are lonely. I think I could try to alleviate some of someone else’s loneliness… but I’m almost 100% sure that the type of company they want is not the kind they expect from me. Because, usually, I am a replacement. A half-assed temporary substitute until one gets over it.

Well, whatever. I’m still little. There’s a lot more for me to figure out, so I’ll end that thought there. It was getting depressing.

Oh, right. I reread some old posts from some years ago today. I don’t think I’ve changed much (that’s contradictory), or in a particularly blatant way, at least. The way I write things (especially posts like these) have changed a little. I still overuse commas, though. In 2013 I was more open, relatively, talking about my classmates and the things that happen at school or between my classmates and whatnot; then in 2014 it was the end of grade 8 wherein I was quite relieved and quite lazy, choosing to express my thoughts in sentences that were paradoxical, almost (except they didn’t make sense).

That previous paragraph probably supported the claim that I reflect too often. I’m not sure why I do that. It’s probably something to do with my obsession with collecting memories… along with my diaries. Which I have been writing in for a while now. I don’t even know what I write about. Complaints, I guess. And things that I was happy about (… which are increasingly more embarrassing as the days go by…), or unhappy about. I have too many useless thoughts, and too may ideas that I never act on.

Back to the prompt-list. When I write things, I actually don’t use it. Which defeats the purpose of making such a list, unless the purpose was to remember all those genius ideas that will fester and die miserably. When I write, it’s usually a rewrite of something from a few years back, or a picture from here paired with the current song on repeat.

I write boring things. I can barely draw also. I feel like I’ve failed all the things I could’ve been good at, but I have no drive for it. A lot of things seem boring. I don’t know what to do.

Alright. School ends in… about five days. That’s a scary thought. It seems like I’ve barely done anything since September. But I have. Done a lot, I mean. I’ve tried to come to terms with a bunch of things. Tried being the key word, of course. Progress has been made (hopefully).

I’ll end this here, then,on a somewhat optimistic note. I’ll try to write more as well, about more relevant things, and things that would be explored in a more in-depth way. And preferably written at a time that is not midnight (as it is now).

[bg music: checkmate]