meloncholy

These days, I’ve come to do less nostalgic thinking. The downside to that is that I have also been doing less thinking in general. Although that is usually not a celebrated thing, it is even more terrible now that I have encountered a Critical Period of my high school life: the end of it. This is a sad thing because I do not like ending things or change or separation or any other sort of thing that children despise immensely because they are dependent creatures who thrive off of attention and being placated since they know very little about the outside world. From a shoujo-manga perspective, this ending of HS is sad also because I did not experience any cute romantic moments. It is with mild disappointment that I report that I have had zero (0) moments of extreme happiness and contentment with myself or anyone else, untainted with a foreboding sense of something bad to come. From a more… intellectual perspective, the 5 years I spent in HS seemed like waste. I wasn’t motivated at all to put in more effort than necessary, and I never discovered or created a style for writing or drawing. But then again, if I wasn’t interested, why did I bother pursuing it? A mystery for another time.

Anyway, it’s a little bit sad.

I have chosen recently to ‘live in the moment’, reacting based off of current emotions, impulses, and instant gratification. It’s not a bad thing, but clearly I have not accounted for the future. What do I want to do? Where am I going? All I know is that I am needlessly worried. Of course, it’s not like I have to make a concrete decision right now. We can do anything we choose: we can do something easy, but boring; we can do something challenging, but invigorating; we can start over somewhere else, somewhere far away. Everything ends in the same way, and it can seem very pointless. But since I’m here anyway, I might as well do something. I used to want to be known for something, to leave behind a legacy of some kind. I used to be inspired by seeing people who did better than I could do, and strive to be even better. But for some reason or another I got bored of that as well. Is it better to be completely invisible and work hard as a completely average member of society, or be famous and established?

I am not looking for answers or lectures. There are no answers. Every reply or piece of advice I have received or will receive is an opinion formed by someone else as a result of their own experience. Everything I hear from other people is like that, so I am in no place to pass judgements on them. If they dislike me for being a certain way, I may be upset, but I cannot hold it against them if I know why and how they choose to think that way. Maybe the friends they make are all for “networking” purposes. Maybe they were a single child born to immigrants who focused on survival and integrating into a society different from China. Maybe they come from a more affluent family and are not required to do chores. Maybe their parents are a certain way, and they become a certain way as a result. Even if I disagree with their words regarding me, or disapprove of their manners, I have no right to correct them or point out anything at all, positive or negative. I’m not suggesting that staying silent in the face of prejudice or misinformation is something we should do, of course. I only think that common sense should be more common.

For someone who supposedly believes in being non-partisan re: social interaction, I do a lot of impulsive things. But that’s also because I get bored of staying quiet. Sometimes it’s nice to ask someone why they’re offended by your mere presence.

I guess the purpose of this post was to elaborate upon my lack of posts and thoughts from this summer. It was an alright summer, by the way. I ate a lot of snacks and got to see a lot of Nice Things, like fireworks and parades and fancy art pieces.

 

 

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