on trying to mature

It’s been exactly a month since my last update! It feels both a long time ago, and yet also very recent. A lot has happened. To be truthful, a lot has happened since I last made a proper post.

Recently, I realized that I can feel a lot more than I can express properly. If you ask me how I’m doing, I’ll just say that I’m tired, and that things are… okay. Okay can mean a lot of things. I mean, considering I haven’t gone completely nuts, I guess my ‘okay’ is pretty okay. I was looking through my brother’s workbook a few days ago, and it had a list of skills a kindergartener should have. This included being able to greet visitors without shyness, address problems without aggression or running away/crying, and being able to express their needs, wants, and feelings. The reason I bring up these ones is that I’m pretty sure I don’t have those skills.

That is probably because in grades 7 and 8 I was really adamant that I knew myself—I was certain that I knew why I would do things the way I do, and that every decision was out of my own free will. I trusted myself 100%, and became angry whenever other people told me to do things that I didn’t want to do, or said things about me that contradicted my own view of myself. I viewed my character flaws as a part of me that I shouldn’t change, because why should I change what made me different from other people? Why should I conform when I was already entirely myself?

Throughout the past 2 years I’ve kind of… let go of that mindset. I’m still myself, a walking contradiction, but I’m no longer that narrow-minded. I’ve overcome some of the fears I had before. I still… reflect a lot, I guess. I’m always comparing the present me and what I know to what I’ve done and knew in the past. I’m trying to come to terms with changes. I’m… not doing a very good job, but I’m honestly trying. I hope that’s enough for now.

I think one of the most important things I need to learn is control. Which I guess is everything: finding a limit to everything, finding the limit to my feelings and actions.

I like reading my own writing (mostly because I have no memory of ever writing anything), even if most of it was mindless rambling. There’s sometimes one line that seems to stick out, that seems more truthful, like advice from someone else. I regard my previous selves to be different versions of the one I am now. Not exactly a separate entity, but just upgraded. Glitchy.

The last time I updated this blog I was very tense—not to say that I’m not tense anymore, but it’s less intrusive—and unable to focus. I didn’t do very well for the rest of that month. This month hasn’t been very uplifting either. It seems a bit much to me. All of this in just a month. At least recently… it seems the childish ways are coming back. I said I aimed for a balance of immature and mature, but I think I’ve had enough maturity this pas while. I like balances.

When I look through this blog, however, there’s rarely a gradual transition. Most likely because I rarely update. Throughout the years (since 2007!) I’ve… definitely changed. I went from grade 1 to grade 10. That’s a lot of grades. I posted about my ‘identity crisis’ in 2012, and my liking phase in 2013. I think I need a break from myself.

Well. Towards more motivated days.

Until then.

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