2019 wishes

Although I didn’t do the whole resolutions thing last year, I figured it’d still be nice to review the past year a little bit.

Truthfully, I can’t recall easily anything specific from 2018 in terms of what I did in each month (something I used to catalogue dutifully), but I do remember that I was very busy. If I wasn’t chasing after deadlines, I was pretending I had something to do, so thus I was always doing something, and that something was always urgent. In a way, it was an elaborate way of beginning to distance myself from my mistakes. Even in earlier years, I recognized that I made mistakes in my friendships and in… life generally, but I couldn’t figure out how to get out of that rut and tended to just spiral further down into mild despair. So I decided that removing myself from what I believed to be the bad situation would be the best option.

I feel like I must clarify a few things, if only to myself: firstly, a bad situation does not necessarily mean that I am/was a victim and thus dubbed it as bad, but that I was at some points the perpetrator of the badness. By removing the source of the bad, that would solve at least a few problems, right? Second, even though I was wallowing in a pit of self-hatred, I didn’t really blame anyone else for the situation. (I currently don’t blame myself for certain actions then so much as pity myself. I was a weird kid.) A bunch of kids made a bunch of mistakes. If I went back to that time, I would most likely still make the same mistakes.

Anyway, I’ve thought that thought to death by now. I’ll continue by pasting last year’s reminders here:

2018

  1. The taste of bitter and the feeling of empty is alright.
  2. Remember things you want to remember, and don’t worry too much.

I’m not quite sure I understand what the first one references exactly, but let’s analyze them both. Technically, they both mean the same thing, which is that I should worry less and just go with the flow. Very clichéd, but it’s also not a bad thing to remember. Most things in life you have very little control over, so any bad thing or good thing that happens is just a thing that happens. If you’re lucky, then that’s fine. If you’re unlucky, it’s also no big deal. Alternatively: if the only thing stopping you is your own doubt, then don’t stop.

Another thing I’d like to address briefly is the idea I had about becoming an adult. Any change that happens is also (usually) out of our control, so there’s no use in lamenting over being stagnant when you are unaware of your own changes. I think I place less importance on being mature or smart or whatever constitutes adult-like behaviour now. My only goal is to be content. Not to feel indebted to anyone, or feel held back. Or stuck in a bad situation.

Now for this year’s reminders:

  1. Remember what is important to you.
  2. Anything you do, do to the best of your ability at that time.
  3. Take your vitamins.

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