motifs

I think I went through a half-baked identity crisis when I was twelve-ish, which included depressing ignorant thoughts about existentialism (also why I find discussing this in class kind of funny) and a lot of sad posts. I was not very good at being a pre-teen, but at least that’s over. What happened after this was that I tried to find symbols, or something that could either represent me, or at least make other people think of me when they see it. Association. Since I had transferred schools and become about fifty times more reclusive than I already was, which is also great and fun. Anyway, I think I associated myself with squirrels at first.

This is partially because of some spontaneous joke during a lunch-recess play, and also because I asked some little kid that question and then referred to him as that for a year (understatement). I changed my Skype nickname to squirrel lover or hater depending on my ever-fluctuating mood. It’s funny in hindsight, but I was inexplicably serious then, as thirteen-year-olds tend to be. I was also a (bit of a) weeb, but I only liked two series so I’m not really sure what that made me. Regardless, that was the last part of elementary. In the beginning of high school I was Peak Recluse and watched KRG so I loved melons. In grades eight and nine I used melons and polar bears and also squirrels as my thing. I apparently always need to have a thing or two, and draw them on whiteboards or worksheets or tests which wouldn’t always turn out good but that’s beside the point.

Then in grade eleven I used plants (we are skipping grade ten), which I still do. I guess you could view that in a sort of optimistic light, what with the whole growth theme. Except I just think it’s cute. Maybe it’s a permanently dead plant encased in resin. Maybe it’s a plastic plant. Who knows.

Since I am no longer twelve, or an irredeemably mopey kid in self-imposed isolation, maybe I should think of other symbols. The thing is, you can’t just reinvent yourself by just saying you don’t want to be associated with whatever you used to like. As much as I’d like to just forget and delete everything, it’s not like I can actually forget. I still have a lot of squirrel items in my house (like garden decorations and a pink stuffy), and plant things, and quite a few weeb things. I may or may not have paid a bit (a lot) for the latter collection so I will definitely be keeping those. Anyway.

This is also a sort of extended metaphor for memories (wow!). There are a lot of memories I consider as ‘defining moments’ from the past… I don’t know, however long I’ve been remembering things. These things aren’t all necessarily traumatic or bad, although a large part is. Even though I would like to forget them, common sense and adults always tell us that mistakes are made so that you learn from them, and bad memories can be humbling as well. I am trying to convince myself that in order to change, I don’t have to completely reinvent myself. Because 1) that’s pretentious, and 2) that’s also very difficult. At the very root, I am of course still the same idiot that makes happy baby noises and also very dumb choices. Can’t change much of my human nature.

That aside, I was also into a few themes, which is Great and Wonderful and vaguely related to English classes. I will list them because I am lazy.

  1. Changing/growing (what a surprise)
  2. Transitory
  3. Really weird and somewhat romantic movie quotes
  4. “Passage of time”
  5. Space
  6. Ephemerality
  7. Seasons/months
  8. Nostalgia
  9. Instability
  10. Contrast

Not in order, but it’s interesting to see what and why I was interested in what I was at a certain time. I guess I like to keep organized. Of course organization doesn’t mean I’m not messy. 🙂 Yes.

I’ll leave this here. Anyway, I’ll probably post next during Christmas.

Until then.

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