some three hours later

I am not exactly an interesting person. Probably because, when asked about my past, I blank out. Also because I have lived for a relatively short time. There probably isn’t much that has happened to me.

I only started recording my daily events in 2012, in a book. I still do that (so it’s like, my fourth book), and it’s been interesting. But I’m really… naive (this is turning into a Reflection. like english class). I’m always, um, “diving headfirst” into things, so to speak. For example… in 2012 I was very into manga, and pretty much focused only on that. I didn’t really care what people thought, I just wanted to like… immerse myself. I suppose everyone does that, especially when they’re 12. Then 2013 I was into 2 things: the grade 7 part of that year I was ‘into’ some kid in my class (hilarious, I know; never gonna hear the end of it. it’s been 2 years yo), and then it was Japanese musicals. I would memorize all their names and roles (in play or movies or… whatever else) and birthdays. That actually sounds pretty creepy. Huh. And then I was interested in my classmate. Yes. That also doesn’t sound creepy, right. I should elaborate.

It’s not that I had a crush or anything, because that requires feelings. Which is not to say that I don’t have any, just… maybe not in the right direction. But like… I really liked my friend, okay. I really really liked her and I kind of vowed to myself that I would never leave (even if she left me, and that sounded dramatic). I told her, too, kind of – like ‘When we grow up we should buy an apartment and we can bake cakes and play music loudly and write fics together’. I’m still not sure if I was obsessed with the idea of having a best friend like that, or… her. I’m confused.

I don’t know if that is healthy 13 year old thinking, but that’s what I thought. I wanted to be with her a lot. Although the vows I thought of did happen late 2013, so beginning of secondary school: when I was impossibly lonely. I was always (am always?) bad at dealing with change, so that’s to be expected. I’m working on it. I thought, at that time, that she was the only one who understood me, and was willing to listen to me and all of my bs, my wandering thoughts, late night rants and gross messages. I’m embarrassed. A little.

[bg music: ta fete]

Anyways, back to what I was writing earlier – 2013’s obsessions were kind of diverse. Comparatively. The later part of that year I found Kamen Rider (I’m sorry to say I have only watched Gaim) (which I should make a separate post about), and was intrigued… and didn’t shut up about it until it was over. Which was a year later. Some of the relationships in the show reminded me of mine with other people (if I’m comparing my relationships with Gaim’s there is something very wrong), so I kind of. Obsessed over it. In the simple-minded way I do. When it ended I realized those were… bad relationships in it, that I probably shouldn’t have used as an example.

I don’t really regret things though. Because regretting means wishing that something else happened, something most likely good. Because now, with these mistakes I made early, I have the experience to not make that mistake ever again. If I do, at least I know what to expect, roughly.

Except there are some things I really wish I have never done.

Back on topic… 2014! Still going on about Gaim and about my friend. I had to deal with some issues at home early 2014 as well. It wasn’t fun… once the weather got warmer it got better, I think. School ended early because of the strike, and I was entirely invested in watching movies and tv shows. Then summer happened, and I had a fever, and I bought something, and I… went to the US! That part was a blur.

I’m going to refer to late 2014-now as grade 9 because that makes things easier. We’re now into term 3, which is a Very Bad Thing. I should work hard. < For the benefit of people who think I’m not.

I’m still recording my daily happenings… but unlike back in 2013, I don’t write about my opinions on people anymore (as much, and only in a negative light. I’m a bad person). I’m worried that it will be very cringe-worthy for future-me to read. I mean… some of it already is. “WHY did I ever think that person was cute?!” Uh. Yeah.

I guess I’ve learned some things about myself, as well… I wonder why I always feel like I have to justify my feelings and actions, though. Probably because I’ve always been asked “What are you so scared of?”, “Why did you do that? No one else does that.”, and “What’s wrong? Why do you look upset? Nothing has happened!”… or, those sort of things. Or maybe I just like to talk. And explain myself, because from my experience, misunderstandings are common and very… bad.

[bg music: limo]

The chances of me losing my entire memory are… pretty low (knocks on wood), and that would also suck. I have so many memories and thoughts and anxieties and no matter how much I hate the way I think I would not want it any other way. That might just be the side of me that hates change speaking, though. Fear of foreign things (xenophobia?), I guess. But just in case… at least amnesiac-Grace would know all the gross things and obsessions of grade 7 till… whenever the afflicition happens. Yeah.

I like to pretend I’m in control of things. When I don’t, I panic. I’m pretty sure everyone has that feeling (as everyone tells me), and that’s a shame.

Oh yeah, that’s one thing that also has influenced me (negatively? perhaps): ever since episode 28 I’ve been into saying ‘What a shame’ + its many variants quite often.

My thoughts right now are very disorganized (like me), but here’s a list:

1. I hope I can keep all the friends I have right now.

2. I hope I can find a motivation that’s actually beneficial to both parties (aha).

3. I am slightly hungry.

4. Why do I not have a specific… taste in music?

5. Okay, I don’t like ballads. No wait, I do. What.

6. I am so good at coincidences. Coinciding. Is that a word?

It’s now much later than when I started this post. Mayhaps I should put a linebreak and write:

THREE HOURS AFTER THAT THREE HOURS

Yes. Time management skills (read: lack thereof) galore. I drew a lot today, as well – but probably not the things I was supposed to be drawing… ouch.

Ahh… contradictions and fussy teenagers! I’m annoying. If I force myself to get back on topic…

Oh. I haven’t written anything in a while. It used to be long stories and fairytale-like things, then I wrote like. Poems. And blatant rip-offs of music videos that are so ugh I don’t even want to go back to delete them. Hmm… also short stories (like. so short), and cute shoujo vignettes in the present tense, third person objective. Somewhere along the line (before the shoujo, I think) I wrote philosophical stuff with extremely long sentences. Run-on sentences, actually. Last thing I remember writing properly… was… uh… a love letter. Oh man. I’m embarrassing. January 29th.

I’m… extremely out of practice. Maybe I’ll write something one day… if I get up early enough (lol not happening).

Were my blog posts always this informal? I think they used to be kind of lazy (well, I’m always lazy), and then whenever I was upset it would be pretty formal.

Aha! Passed 1300 words! How extremely useless! Okay, I should end this here. Until next time…

[bg music: your love]

 

 

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